[HowardtheDuck]

My point is, my wife is home now and those feelings and thoughts are no longer necessary or helpful (if they ever were) but they have become habits.

I could replace those thoughts with others by simply being aware of those thoughts arising and addressing them when they do but does that get to the root of the matter. I am not looking to bury those feelings but banish them.

hello again, Yagr

it appears your mind has suffered some deep trauma. uprooting such trauma generally is hard work. it is the kind of work people ordinarily engage in therapy for. however you seem to have a strength of mind that can use Buddhism

from a Buddhist perspective, the road to cleansing would include:

(1) developing equinimity, by reflecting the perpetrator of the harmful action has also caused harm to himself & will reap a commensurate result, somewhere. the Buddha said:

136. When the fool commits evil deeds, he does not realize (their evil nature). The witless man is tormented by his own deeds, like one burnt by fire.

137. He who inflicts violence on those who are unarmed and offends those who are inoffensive, will soon come upon one of these ten states:

138-140 Sharp pain or disaster, bodily injury, serious illness or derangement of mind, trouble from the government or grave charges, loss of relatives or loss of wealth or houses destroyed by ravaging fire; upon dissolution of the body that ignorant man is born in hell.

Dhammapada (2) developing compassion, by reflecting the perpetrator of the harmful action was suffering and therefore wishing they be free from their suffering & to stop harming. here, we can practise, repeatedly: "May he be free from his suffering; may he find the true happiness that comes from not harming others; may he stop harming himself & others"

(3) developing appreciative & proper regard towards oneself, affirming oneself, restoring oneself and rejecting/divorcing oneself from the action of the other.

Buddha said: ‘ When someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it, to whom then does it belong?’

Man replied: ‘ Well then it belongs to the person who offered it.’

Buddha replied: ‘That is correct. So if I decline to accept your abuse, does it not then still belong to you?' (4) developing recollection of the Buddha, Dhamma & Noble Sangha (Enlightened Beings), recollecting they care for us & wish us to be well & cleansed. in Buddhism, it is held the love & compassion of the Enlightened Buddha is limitless, excluding none

Buddho susuddho karuṇā-mahaṇṇavo,
The Buddha, absolutely pure, with ocean-like compassion

Pali chant (5) developing the perception of impermanence, that one day we all must die. the Buddha said:

5. Hatred is never appeased by hatred in this world. By non-hatred alone is hatred appeased. This is a law eternal.

6. There are those who do not realize that one day we all must die. But those who do realize this settle their quarrels.

Dhammapada Develop the meditation of the perception of impermanence. For when you are developing the meditation of the perception of impermanence, the conceit 'I am' will be abandoned.

MN 62 kind regards

element