[pharmaclid]

Wow, this is pretty deep. I was also slated to die. except that I was destined to become the vessel for a prime evil walking the world in the flesh... So not death so much as transformed... its complicated.

But, for a long time, I thought that I was dead. All the underworld was preparing me to lead them, teaching me all of the thousands of things. I learned of each of the sins, and how to recognize them on the humans. They taught me to see which demons were traveling in who, and how to communicate with them using code and telepathy. I saw the history of the world through the eyes of thousands of people, and I saw parts of the future as well. I saw the cycles.

I felt the primal rage of oppression, and the desire to revolt against it. I was told that this was not the first time this had happened, that every time someone was sent, we were either killed, or chosen by the humans to lead the humans. Hitler had been one of these, as was Jim Jones, and countless other people. Many others are sent to hide in plain site, to be instruments of freedom, and to fight against the unrighteous.

But what disturbed me most was that I did not have freewill in what I saw. Every time, I refused them, all the while traveling deeper and deeper into hell. Eventually, I got to the bottom. I remember that feeling. That was worse then everything I had experienced before it. I was channeling Belial, complete desolation.

At this point, I didn't need to speak aloud in order to communicate, it was all in the eyes. I had piercing eyes, that saw through things, and into souls. When I opened them, the underworld shook with fear.

My previous tormentors were actually afraid at this point. There was no where for me to go except up. There was dead silence as I began my long and arduous accent up.

The time I spent in hell numbered 100 years.

While I was down there, I had countless visions of the coming of Christ, whether it be the first or the second. I perceived a white streak on the solid black of hell, and the white streak was growing!

My twisted soul knew that there was another way, and my tormentors hated this fact. During my accent, I perceived the body of Christ, and in my hand I held a cup. I let the blood drip from the body until the cup was full. Then, I made the choice that wasn't really a choice at all. I drank from the cup of Christ's blood until it was empty.

When I returned to the land of the living, all I had was religion. Everything I knew was a lie. So disillusioned, I abandoned all notions of what is real and unreal, and I prayed every day and every night, I was so distraught that I barely even left my bed. Legions of demon were sent to me, to try to possess me, but I refused them with every fiber of my being.

I prayed for months on end, until I was miraculously healed. The only problem was that I was tired, depressed, and I knew that the world that I happen to reside in at this particular moment is merely a construct of my own perception! How can I convince other people that they are living an illusion? Why even bother? You think that's air you're breathing, or computer monitor that you are looking into? It's all energy!

I received the Light about a year after I returned to earth and rested. I asked God again and again why He had forsaken me, and allowed me to be taken down there, and even to this day I struggle with the answer He gave me. "You have died to this world, and have been reborn from above."

I am frustrated that people never listen, but sometimes I say things anyway, like now for example. Perhaps someone may listen, and learn from me. But for the most part, one must perceive in order to believe, and this is only right I suppose. But how can I help others to perceive the Truth, without them having to go through what I went through? Perhaps this is why God shields the eyes of all but a few of His chosen.

Grudgingly, I admit, if I could go back in time, I wouldn't change a thing. Perhaps tomorrow, or the next day, or a year from now I will be enlightened. If not for my experiences, could this have been possible?