[diundasmink]

Last year we travelled to India.
As soon as we arrived in Bodh Gaya, everything spiralled into an enactment of my fears.

Two years ago - I developed irrational jealousy. Trust me, it hasn't been easy to admit it. I began to imagine damaging scenes, and imagined my partner wanted to be with everyone BUT me - there was actually no real reason for it. Nothing concrete.
Of course, I realised it was a lack of trust - coming from my childhood - and yes, from my father, but I couldn't find the strength to combat my mind's pushing and pushing.

When we arrived in Bodh Gaya, a girl appeared. Pretty, smiling, full of love and she was kind. My partner immediately spoke with her, and told me that she was joining us to our accomodation. That she was alone, that she didn't know where to go, that she needed help.
All of these things passed me by - all I could see is that he was doing it again. Finding a damsel in distress.

I could feel my anger growing, and my coldness.

She disappeared amoungst all the rickshaw drivers - its a hectic and crowded place...

The next day, just as we had completed our first walk around the large stupa, she appeared, smiling, pretty, and talking....

I was absolutely horrified and I felt my anger and jealousy consuming me... I had many excuses in my head - that we must be peaceful as we were in a holy place, that we were not to talk - anything but face the fact that I was jealous....

It was then, i had to fully and finally admit my 'problem' to myself.

It was destroyin me, us and my memories.

I decided, with a little more thought, to beat it. That I would get to the bottom of it.

Honestly, its the one thing, that I can see, that is standing between me and sanity. Its a daily practice. Its goes in phases. Sometimes its fine, other times I struggle.

But, here and now, I pledge to cleanse my mind of this negativity.

Comments welcome.