[truportodfa]

I have had acedemic problems since I was in the fourth grade (I'm 28 now). It started with math--my arch enemy. From then on, my grade point average dwindled on a downward spiral, to the point that I was forced (literally by my guidance counselors) to drop out of highschool as a second year senior (/sophomore/junior/freshman), with a 0.something GPA. I had gotten so far behind, even though I took summerschool and was attending the comm college along with highschool, that I had to go to the college full time. It was a little less stressful then, with extra instructors/tutors to go around.

I was so ashamed at the basic things I didn't know that some questions I didn't ask because I was afraid of the students and instructors' reactions. So I did stay after class a few times for one on one time. Because of distractions and other factors like transportation, etc..., my focus would fluctuate. But even then, I felt smarter than I did in regular school. Throughout elementray, middle, and highschool, I used to secretly wish I could wear glasses (even though I had no sight problems) so that I could feel like one of the smart kids (I remember sneaking someone's glasses from home a couple of times). I know this is superfical now, but then, I thought all smart people wore glasses. However, that didn't help me. I always felt like THE dumbest person alive--not just at the school.

I eventually dropped out of school all together and in 2001, started taking GED classes. I would get on a role for fleeting moments at a time, but I just couldn't stay focussed long enough to accomplish much. I evenutally dropped out of GED classes and gone back bout 5 or 6 different times over the years. I still don't have my GED but I plan on trying at it again in May. Because of my current acedemic plan, I cannot afford to fail this time. If I do, it will set me back prettty far. I won't go into all of it here. But I am finally taking college prep classes now. Because I recieved financial aid before--the first time I took college classes which was last summer, and dropped both classes and had to pay the money back before I could attend that school again, I am on academic probation. Meaning that if I fail either of the classes I'm taking now (English and Algebra ), I may not be eligible to recieve financial aid ever again (they are much stricter now)...and I won't even go through how much this will ruin my short and longterm plans. I finally have a plan now, but if I mess up, I'm going to really mess up!

I can't explain to you how tormenting this is. I know that I struggle tremendously with low self esteem loneliness (/anxiety), which I come to find out is one of the reasons for my procrastination pattern. But it's not something I can get over overnight. I know I don't have time for therpy to deal with all of my issues. As much as I want to stop and take a breather to deal with deeply rooted mental obstacles, life itself doesn't stop, and time waits for no man. I'm trying to break that infamous pattern of starting and stopping. I'm just going to have to stick it out, but I'm sooo scared right now! I already have an F in my algebra class and there's only 3 weeks until final exams. I've been meaning (as always) to do my homework, but I have yet to tun in or finish one homework assignment in the algebra class. Even though I've been on spring break for a week, I still have yet to finish (I started) one assignment, even though I swore to myself that I would make up all the work I missed over spring break. Now, school will be starting monday, and believe it or not--I'm not being funny, I am terrified that I will just fall into the same rhetorical pattern. I feel guilty and am hating myself for my lack of discipline. I know, "JUST DO IT!". It shoul be that easy. And I have told myself that hundreds (if not thousands) of times--"Just do it; NOW!!!), but I never end up doing it.

I'm venting right now, but I am so frustrated!

Would you have any advice for improving my level of diligence and commitment?