So I'm sitting here wondering why can't I ever be truely happy. what is it thats stopping me from being happy. who is it that's making me unhappy. the answer is me..... the deeper meaning is my self esteem. Oh I can put on a brave face and act like a warrior for the longest of periods but at the end of the day I'm just not happy... with what?? with who?? becasue of who?? becasue of ME... looking back now it goes all the way back to teenagehood, was never happy with myself, ending up hanging around girls who i thought would make me happy cos they rebelled but that was never really me.. Had a really hot guy in highschool who liked me but I think it's my self esteem that made that never happen. I wasn't cool enough or popular enough or as skinny as the popular girls or as pretty.. then at early adult hood i found a friend in funny white powders and pills which suprisingly made me feel really confident in myself, I was on top of the world for a while until i fell in love and then it all came crashing down. then all the insercuritoes came back. he's cheating, he wants someone prettier skinner, that has all stayed with me for all my yrs of my relationship and now while i know he doesn;t think that way i still don't feel skinny enough or pretty enough for him...I don't have the courage to go out with him and his gf's for fear of not being as good as the other gf's. (sounds so silly when i say it but so true) so then i wonder what the heck do i do get my confience back. i can't really say back cos i never had it to begin with (though i can put on a pretty good performance and have a very carefree attitute to critism but deep deep down I'm not happy with myslef and nor do i have any clue whatso ever as to how to find thathappiness, I really don't. there's no cure or medicine i can think of that'll do the trick. I've tried so hard to be myself for the last number of yrs, even to the point where i don't even drink so it's all me but still the anxiety,s the feeling of not being worthy. not being good enough,(worker, duaghter, gf, ) I just haven't got a clue. maybe my life long lesson was to live life without confidence in this lifetime i't sjust so bizaree sitting here thinking to myself that i don't have the answer.. maybe i'm just having a bad day & right b4 my b'day lol