[Vomazoono]

"My Trigger"

I just moved out of my parents house and was beginning a new life. I have to tell you I was excited. I totally didn't see what was coming. I think parents warn their kids about stuff because they have experienced a lot, but until you experience something personally, you just don't believe it.

But that isn't strange, that is like a lot of things in life. I remember when I was in my late teens and dad wanted my brother and I to consider finding jobs. I was quiet scared. I was not social and a huge part had to do with how my brother and I were brought up. Both my brother and I were fearful, shy, kids, who didn't have the most self-esteem. But soon enough I got the guts to go downtown, sit down for an interview, and sure enough was hired by a coffee place. Sure I was a bit nervous early on, but very quickly I got accustomed to the job, the people, the customers, and my fear was gone. The fears that you have when you lack experience are extreme. People can tell you a million times that something is not a big deal, but until you experience it, words mean nothing. Fear has that power, and experience is the only thing that can rectify it. Before that experience, it may sound funny, but I seriously thought there was a chance I could die if I got a job. Not only did i live, but I received positive feedback, met wonderful co-workers, made friends, and had a very positive experience overall.

There is that old saying, at least from my neck of the woods, about listening to mom and dad. Generally, that is a good thing to follow, but remember that some parents are naturally over-protective. And remember, the world changes, people live different lives, so you are bound to experience things they didn't have to experience. A good parent prepares their children to face any battle but you can never fully know exactly what your children will face. Considering where I am today, I think mine did a great job.

So to continue the story...I was finally settled in my new place. I had quit my coffee job not long before because I thought I was ready to move on to something better. I had worked there for two years. I had a bit of money saved up so I was ok for a little while without work. But one of the first surprises I got living on my own was bills that I wasn't expecting (due to cancelling services, unexpected moving charges, etc etc) to the point that I needed a job badly. So in that panic, I looked for any type of job I could find. I ended up at a food retail store. I ended up being so desperate that I said I was willing to work over-night in the warehouse. That decision would negativley impact my life for awhile.

At that point in time I never knew how badly it would impact me. I thought about it quiet logically I thought. I would sleep during the day, work during the night, what can be so confusing?

But working at the job for awhile got me really frustrated. My life was so different. No it wasn't just because I was living on my own, or because I was doing a fairly tough job, but my day-to-day life was much different. I worked during the night, when most people sleeped, and I came home to sleep, when most people worked. The fact of the matter was that my friends had the normal schedules and most of the time I felt I couldn't go out with them. It just seemed to me, fairly early on, that my social life was gone with this job.

I was always a really responsible person. I knew that for my employer, but for myself too, I had to be ready each night to do my job. But one day I just decided to forget my usual routine. I didn't sleep before work that night and instead I went out. The worst decision I ever made.

That decision was a defining moment. But being annoyed for quiet awhile with the job, because of the lack of balance it created in my life, made me make a bad decision. I will always remember how tired I was that night. I remember how different I felt. I couldn't wait for the shift to be over. It seemed to drag on forever. I felt tired, I looked tired, and my experience on the job felt like no time before. I couldn't concentrate. It was almost as if I was drunk and high at the same time. Imagine feeling all that and then having to do that heavy labour job for a good nine hours.

The lack of responsibility on my part led to a fear. The fear for me began to be "what if I don't sleep again and have to come in feeling like that again". Now, don't get me wrong, I have stayed up many times, late late into the night with friends , and had work fairly early in the morning, but I that was different. I was never annoyed with my previous job as I was now, and I had never stayed up purposley or even considered how would it be if I never got any sleep. The consideration never came to mind because my job was just fine, and night just seemed like the logical time to sleep. Why wouldn't I sleep during the night?

But the fear was real. The next night I could not sleep because I was too worried about having that feeling again. I called in sick because I didn't sleep. Soon it would become a regular thing. I just couldn't sleep anymore. So for me, I didn't see another option, I had to quit the job.