[Amirmsheesk]

goodmorning!

s shining from a clearblue sky in gothenburg sweden and i strongly resonate with your posts littlegrrenguy, evolving, livepassionately, matthew.......

they all adress issues i've had for a long time, and just the other day while summing my traumas up to an old aqauaintance i said exactly those words from the quote by jacob m braude- not that i knew about it until now- but as i 5 years ago broke out of a 10 year destructive relationship i realized and stated exactly that:

how could i ever think of my x to change when i, who thought of myself as the one that understood the mechanisms of co-dependency and had "so much love to give" and therefore could make him change- was not even able to give myself enough love to break out of the viscious circle?

instead i was playing the victim/controlgame and of course had a perverted gain from identifying with the role of being able to love such a disturbed person and also looked forward to get the reward when he would finally "love me back".

i know this originates from my dysfunctional upbringing and that one is drawn to persons that will activate those early scars that you want to finally gain control over and also reach the love and security from "mom and dad" that you couldn't have at the time. therefore it has to be someone with the same personal traits and problems cause that's what you learned was intimacy and "love".

also the early symbioses has not been dealt with; one has not been able to separate from ones parents in a healthy way which even more contributes to the risk of being unable to break away from a destructive relationship later in life.

i'm not saying i didn't feel love for this x-partner, that it was all in vain and that my motives were all "distorted", i just say that ones motive can camouflage another like "double standards" and paradoxes. the true purpose is to get to know yourself and your own shadow and hopefully transcend the "evil", (turn the word around and you get "live") learn some valuable lifelessons and come out on the other side.

also i'm happy to have a very fine relationship to one of my earlier partners wher i was the one who could not "be close" due to unresolved emotional matters and broke up. i can see different personalities within myself, one very social and happy and the other one extremely depressed, unhappy and isolated but feel i'm slowly learning the balancing and that in this perspective we are all one with all the facets of human feelings, thoughts and potentials.

i was not always "a believer" myself. just remember that and you will forgive yourself for it and all the other "nonbelievers" too. just "send your love", great song by sting by the way.

transiten