[Cogebrego]

hiya chris,

thanks for reigniting this post and also for sharing your story. i must commend you for your analysis and realisation of the fact "he was just a scared kid himself". a very heart warming conclusion from you with no ill feelings towards him and as the law of one states, an acceptance of everyones path.

i never really knew my dad as my mum left him when i was about 3. according to her, he was an abusive alcoholic who took great pleasure in "knocking" her into next week. oddly, i do not remember having any "conditioned" hate towards him,(although i believe mum tried hard!) but i do remember growing up with a feeling of not being complete - if that makes sense. she re-married another 3 times and i took the surname of the first 2 after her divorce from my dad. (its funny because even writing "my dad" feels weird!).

my third step father hated my with a passion and that is what caused me most of my problems in later life - throughout my twenties and thirties. back in 1997, i was very "low" (she divorced him around that time) especially as in many ways i wanted to re-connect with my biological dad. this i knew would hurt my mum (and i was not conditioned?!) so i sat down and decided to clear my thoughts and let the pen do the writing.

what came through was a sort of poem which allowed me to let it all out. from that point i felt better and decided to not strike up a relationship with my dad. i did not want to hurt mum, although sort of at the expense of my own feelings. i have not shared that poem with anyone for 12 years and i feel like posting it on this site somewhere but i do not quite know which thread to post it on.

fast forward to now and through my own spiritual journey, i have totally forgiven all those who hurt, betrayed and abandoned me. i actually thank them for the life lessons they taught me - although it took years to get there. i have spoken to my dad only about 3 times in 10 years and each time he says "i love you son". those words are enough - growing up without him was hard but his declaration of his love to me made all those crappy years worth it. i love you too dad!

with love and light to you all,

matt