[dWSOj26H]

i had a unique experience recently with this.

i and my wife often have trouble with money. it's always been an issue between us. being the only one working, our money has to be split between us and stretched as far as it can go. we are not poor by any means, but when things get tight, stress goes up.

i recently was at the store with a list my wife had given to me. it had a few odds and ends. i'd been recently trying to convert my diet over to a more organic and unprocessed type, in order to generally be more healthy. when it was all said and done, her list ended up being a bit more than i'd expected, and instantly i became angry and disgruntled about all the foolish things she'd wanted and or 'needed'. being frugal myself, often times many of the things she wants often seem to me to be 'frivolous' or unnecessary. such as having napkins and paper towels and tissue paper. while having these things is nice and convenient, when your tight on money it often seems foolish to go to such extremes for convenience. now mind you, this is my perspective at the time and what i'd built up as a reason to get mad whenever i walked out of a store with a shopping list that cost more than i'm used to spending.


i was angry, angry at her, agitated and upset. i stopped myself for a moment and i took a look inside, what was it she was reflecting back at me? what is the real issue here? it turns out, it was my fear that was driving my anger. i was angry at her because i was afraid of running out of money. when i was a child, i lived in what could be considered poverty level accommodations. we never had much and what we did have was squandered due to some personal issues my mother had. so not having enough creates fear in me, fear of the past, fear of returning to a state of squalid iniquity that makes me very uncomfortable to think myself being associated with.

when i realized this, i was able to let go of my anger, as well as let go of my fear.

in another scenario..
i was browsing video's on the net. i have a tendency to view both good and very ugly videos concerning humanity in general. one such video was of a woman beating a small dog. she wasn't beating the dog to death mind you, but she was obviously being quite inhuman to the defenseless animal. i watched this video, feeling quite upset and heartsick for the poor defensless animal, and i tried to fathom for the life of me why any one would want to do this. i had a flash of light at that point, i realized in an instant, the woman wasn't beating the dog.. she was beating herself. i saw for the moment that we are all one, and this woman was beating no one other than herself. the animal suffered for her, serving her and enduring the abuse so she could turn her punishment inside out.. i saw her as a lonely and hurt woman, a woman who disliked herself and yet was another face of god. i felt pity and love for the woman, prayed for her and moved on. she was beautiful to me in that instant.. not because she was beating an animal, or that being ugly or hurtful to another creature was a good thing.. but rather that i could see her godhood, gods expression through her, her being, her existence. in her actions was another part of god expressing himself and in that it was beautiful.