[johnteriz]

i battle with sts and sto. almost everything i do in my life is dedicated to service. i love all the aspects of serving others, making them smile, making something in their day easier, and offering them something that i can say, is done and they can "move on to the next."

but i dont know how to serve myself, often times leaving me very exausted. sometimes leaving me sitting there wonding why "anyone else" cant pick up some of this slack and let me just "take a break"

and i am realizing in my tender middle age, that it's a boundry thing, and a respect thing. you really aren't a selfish person, if you take care of what you need to, in order to sustain being a fluent and stable sto person. but often times what i have found is that people have gotten so "used" to you just taking it all on, that they cant see or understand the yearn in your voice to be allowed moments to have for "self."

i am practicing now, to vocalize more definate my needs. trying to gain the balance, that my needs are not selfish, if they are nescessary in order to contiune in the service that i am in fact so passionate about.

i have always thought this is an age thing, and this transformation is a sort of "comming of age." i am exiting my saturn return, and entering a time that i personally have been very excited about for many years. 30. a time when i feel that as an adult you can finally begin being taken seriously. the time before this should be dedicated to service learning, and experience, you should be left to pick up the slack in order to gain the knowlege and respect of those you share the earth with. then comes a day, when it seems you have the puzzle peices, and it's time to start to put the puzzle together...and i'm at a point right now, where the puzzle is balance. i need time to reflect on what i have learned, so that i can assess it, and share it as i gain more and more wisdome. and to share give and serve, sometimes you do need to take a moment, and serve the self, in a surrendering sort of way.

or so i think, at this point, of exaustion, and reflection


anyway, blessed be to all those i share this land with, may you also find the balance