[Oberjej]

yesterday was a tough day for me. it really tested my metal. as i tried to calm down, i came across a comic in my local newspaper. the strip was 'pardon my planet.' and depicted a lady sitting in a psychiatrist's office, speaking to him. the quote was 'my zen garden is driving me crazy'.

the humor resonated with me, it seems lately i have been suffering a lot and it's not just me. life has been getting rough, things have been getting tight. every day things appear to be getting worse and yet i know it's just a buildup till it finally breaks and gets better. this is happening everywhere to every one.

my attitude has suffered greatly, i find it very hard to maintain the cheery and optimistic outlook that has helped me through such difficult times. as i struggle with these situations and think on them, i can no longer place blame squarely on some one else.. every one is a mirror. this seems to double my anxiety, now i have no one to blame but myself for attracting these things.. then comes the sense of failure and inevitable self blame for all the things going wrong. it's hard to look at yourself and see the beautiful entity that is there, to capture the pure innocence of being without labeling and judging oneself with the auspices of the ego and a polarized world view. thus the comic was rather poignant.. my enlightened state is responsible for my misery.. what a bitter pill to swallow.

all in all, i know things will get better, they always do. i just need to keep my head down and work through the drudgery and make it through. hopefully i can recapture the peace and happiness i know is there but just seems just out of reach for the moment.