[griddle]

until you stop looking outside for fulfillment the depression will cling to you.

i have gone through this process so many times for myself.. over and over.. i look outside for "contact" and the sea of my life becomes a turbulent storm. the waves of my ego rise to new heights and then crash to new lows.. again and again the waves rise and fall as i seek and seek and seek desperately, overturning every rock looking for god, doing every "thing" to contact him, attempting to control myself so that i will be perfect, trying to "advance" spiritually as if such a statement has any meaning... becoming a "spiritual seeker"

the sea will calm when you *truly* surrender your delusions and offer them up to god. when you allow yourself to hit rock bottom.

don't be a seeker, be a finder.

god is already closer than breathing, he is nearer than hands and feet. the ground you walk on is holy (so remove your shoes).

ra defines the word "control" as "repression of that self which is perfect."

the positive path is the path of surrender and faith, not control. give up control, hand your life over to god.

ra gives us 3 steps: "acceptance of self, forgiveness of self, and the direction of the will. this is the path to the disciplined personality."

step 1. acceptance in your case means to accept your suffering (your current sense of separation) and move into it fully. give up all affirmations and allow your pain to be. accept the fact that your career-life is a failure and your social life is abysmal and that the world about you is hostile, etc. feel the pain of these truths and let yourself cry if crying is the honest response.

step 2. forgiveness is to love yourself while you suffer.

step 3. direct your will to unite with god's will. direct your will to being perfect as he is perfect in heaven. you have been trying to control your life and so by definition you have been repressing that self which is perfect. stop. reverse this. be perfect now. trust in the omnipotence, the omnipresence, the omniscience of god. there is nothing that you must do besides directing the will towards unity with the one infinite creator.

being perfect is a simple realization, it is such a simple thing that it is hard to fathom. it is like an easy quiz question that everyone gets wrong because the answer is too obvious and simple to possibly be the correct answer.

all delusion is self-made by a personal act of will. some part of you is willing your sense of separation into existence. some part of you is willing yourself to believe that you are currently imperfect. find that part, relax that will, redirect the will towards simple, beautiful, divine unity and the truth.

much love and best wishes
- yossarian