[PRengin]

thanks guys, and i want to reiterate that this was strictly an exercise; i don't have anything going right now that operates along those lines, or plans to start something. it's just something that i have been rolling over in my mind recently: instead of fighting against the things that may strike us as sts, wouldn't ingratiation and subversion from within be more effective? for example, one of my pet peeves is people who picket abortion clinics. there was a family planning office between my house and my work a few years back, and there were these old people (retired, nothing better to do apparently) who used to stand outside, handing out plastic fetuses, yelling at girls who went in, and terrorizing the citizenry with graphic images of abortions from a tv in a stroller.

the first time i saw them, i realized that they suffered from the same delusion that most people that are "passionate" about their moral cause share: that those who disagree with them are unintelligent, crazy, or evil. so if i voiced my disagreement with them on our first meeting, i would be placed in this category and have little effect.

so i just smiled at them when i walked by instead. it was crazy. i didn't say anything, but they just assumed that i believed the same as them, and that i was supporting their cause (when in fact i was simply supporting them as human beings).

so after a week or so, they introduced themselves and we got on "good morning" terms. we would smile and say good morning to each other every day. we even made small talk, although i managed to excuse myself ("oops, late for work!") when the subject got to abortion.

when it finally came out, a couple of months down the road, that i very strongly disagreed with what they were doing, they were kind of stunned. but by that time they had already assigned me all the personality traits that we all assign to those who we believe agree with us: that i was intelligent, healthy, attractive, had a good job, was more like them in other areas etc.

so it was, psychologically, much harder to dismiss my opposition, and they were forced to think, for a moment, if maybe they were going about this the right way.

and i noticed, from that day on, that even though they didn't smile as broadly when we said good morning, they became more polite to others going in and out of the clinic (at least when i was there, anyway). i realized that direct conflict was horribly inefficient, akin to something like lighting your room with the glow from an electrical heater coil. and yet, people persevere in the belief that it will someday get them what they want.

but it's an odd feeling. i feel like i'm skimming the borderland betweem sts and sto. as an example, whenever i have a fight with my girlfiend, i immediately focus all of my attention squarely on her, tell her that i'm listening, and give her time to get out whatever grievances she may have. sometimes i even get out a paper and pencil and take notes.

the twist is, even as i'm doing this, i realize how unreasonable most of her demands can be, but i keep my mouth shut and my ears open and the whole thing is usually over in fifteen minutes. of course, she came in expecting a fight, so it usually ends with me giving her a hug and walking away and her standing there with her mouth open wondering what the hell just happened.

so on a conscious level, i realize that i am doing the sto thing by accepting her anger and not offering resistance to it; just letting it wash over me in a wave like relationship jiu-jitsu. but on another level i also know that i am controlling her; and doing it incredibly efficiently. i know that she has no choice after the argument is over than to cast herself as the "bad" one since she was the only one yelling and i showed myself to be the "good" one by taking her abuse. and so i know that she will get depressed the next day and come to me asking for forgiveness. and i know that she will wonder, in her mind, at how different i am than every other boy she's known, casting me as some kind of über-boyfriend and binding her more tightly to me. and so i feel that i am becoming more sts in this way. or at least enjoying sts-type results.

basically, what i'm saying is that use of sto principles can, and often does, yield the results that the sts-type seeks. and it leaves me confused: is pure service to others (with a heavy dose of patience, another important sts trait) the most efficient path towards exalting the self and controlling those around you?

or is it simply evidence that even polarity is an illusion, making degree, and not direction, of advancement the important factor?