[Hokimjers]

cobra:

yes, what you said helps me a lot. and i think we share a similar experience: the complete turning off of feelings and emotions. but what i learned from that experience is that the being numb is far worse than actually feeling the pain and moving through it. because the numbness brought about loneliness and such a savage depression that it threatened my future. so the pain of dealing with the original pain was a welcomed change to that horrible numbness.

and i also wanted to acknowledge another point you made. openness and honesty with those around you is the key to finding peace and happiness. or then again, is there such a thing as "tmi" (too much information)? i don't really think so. if another person is going to think less of you for being absolutely honest about what is in your heart and soul then i don't think that person is good to be around.

dab:

i think you are right. after much confusion and heartache, i now have a clean slate to start over again. and i soooooo don't want to repeat the same scenario again. and i think what you said about remaining as free from material and monetary obligations as possible is the smart way to go. and also i need to stop judging my worth by my material possessions. or, at least, stop letting it bother me when other people do judge me by my possessions.

as they say, "when one door shuts, another one opens." i just want to do it right this time.

kstar:

i have a really hard time hearing you call yourself a coward. to care deeply about other people's feelings says a lot about your character. and also, if your family truly cares about you then they are going to want you to be happy. and they will support you on your journey.

but i do know what it is like to be a people pleaser. i have very much been like that too. and i have not been very good at standing up for myself in the past. my friend told me once, several years back, that i needed to grow a backbone. i think the lack of a backbone stems from our feelings of self worth. like we are not worthy of the same respect that we so easily offer other people on a regular basis. or we don't trust or have faith in ourselves to let our light shine.

unfortunately, i don't have a magic answer for this. i have made huge improvements in this area just by taking small steps and being totally honest about the way i feel (well, most of the time). and it is working for me, slowly but surely.

mellisamouse:

i think that is totally right. that it is not good to allow other people to be dependent on you. and sometimes loving someone means cutting the cord, even though it hurts.

these are the types of decisions that are so hard for me.

thank you everyone.

love and light,
foo