[effebrala]

my mother committed suicide about a decade back. i was in the house at the time and heard the shot (gun). i held the rag to stop the bleeding till the ambulance got there and a few days later i and the family decided to let nature take it's course.

i remember the night she passed away. i was at the hospital to visit her in the intensive care. they have a board where the list the 'condition' of each patient. next to my mothers name was 'chilly 104' or something like that. i went into the room to visit her and asked my friend to leave for a moment with her. i cried, prayed and talked with her. i asked her to leave, to end her suffering on this plane. "please, just go." later that morning i recieved a call that she had passed away no less than an hour after i left.

this came after a long battle with alcohol and depression. she struggled for so long and i remember what she told me "i'm so tired.. i just want to see my family again "(the ones who passed away). i knew she had a gun, but at the time i didn't think to take it with me.. she even told me about the gun when speaking of suicide. i don't think i took her seriously at the time, or for whatever reason this was meant to be so i lost sight of the fact about the gun.

the healing process for me is still ongoing. i know for a fact that where she is she is better off. here life was one of great struggle and suffering. i also feel that she is still watching over me now, far more clear in her being than she was before.

one thing i know is that people must not blame themselves for what the did or didn't do. it was never my fault, nor was there really anything i could have done. if we get into the habit of trying to ask ourselves 'what could i have done differently' you start the game of blaming yourself for what happened and that simply is not the case. we need to forgive them, to love them, to appreciate what they brought into our lives and thank them gently and let them go. we need to forgive ourselves for what we felt we contributed, to understand what truly happened, the catalysts that were present.

all of this is a delicate dance between us and our other selves. other selves help to show us what hides inside ourselves, to help us heal and move on. what may seem on the top to be a great tragedy may in fact be the greatest blessing. it's all in how you look at it. we are endless, and no 'death' will ever end us. there is only change and returning to the source. to understand the sacred nature of others, you must also understand the sacred nature of the self.

i hope that the parents of this boy will find peace, however it may come to them. high school, i remember, was such a turbulent time in my life. i remember that everything seemed so blown out of proportion and on top of it all, i never quite felt equipped to deal with it at the time (this is probably because this is the key time we learn our coping skills). i have no doubt that those times are toughest on teenagers and kids. added to that are the drugs that people try to push on them to 'help' further upsetting the balance of these children. every one of us understands that life is excellerating, that things are coming faster and faster. keep that in mind when you think of your own youth and how troubling it seemed at the time, now its much more so for them! be at peace and help them through it, help them understand whats going on in the world, give them answers to their questions and help them to pray and be at peace too.

may the light of the infinite creator shine through you all.

peace.
errol.