[gardenerextraordinaire]

i found the last posting in tune with the lesson of the heart to love. my failure to love has caused me great pain. for all the community of men i knew have died of aids. i no longer live in the " village ". i was assulted and moved out. my expereince as a celibate catholic has been painfull . i love st. francis because he loved the men who followed him in the truest sense of the heart not a gential expression of love. i love my brothers as much as possible knowing my predispositions. i am aware and sad. i keep my gential sexulaity well in charge. ( stress, urban life style, anti-depressants, prostrate medication and homophobia basicly offer chemical castration) . i am most disappointed and saddened by this life experience because i really don't know who i am as i have tried so much to hide and deny my sexuallity. being angry and chemically depressed has been wonderfull, no one can get in to love me. the endless need of the cavern of unfulfilled desires or the big hole of emptiness ( ejection of love ) can exist and frustrate all who truy to come near me. what a terible mess and yet i know it is a mess. i do need to walk in such a way that i am "aware " i am aware and it brings a deep compression and singulairity of consciousness. it is difficult yet i have chosen. as i mature the pain is more accute and the reality more clear compression , singluar thought direction not denial because i feel the sexual need as much as the desire for food. ... i don't really understand the karma i incuured other than the negative sense that i abused my sexuality or was abused by others. perhaps a combination of the two is the truth. the truth to set me free here is not easy. i cannot seem to look at it directly. i must use the shadow of saint francis to see the that loving as intensely as he did was okay and that it too carries with it the price the cost , the awareness. i don't know that that can be joyous . i am finding the paradox of some acceptance and some rejection. i want to respect myself and those who are around me , yet the rejection message is overwhelming. thus the strong activist position of the gay activist movements for equality and acceptance. i may become an activist especially against the public funding of catholic edcuation that fosters homophobia, discrimination and the murder of homosexuals. i am sorry if my thoughts are grim this morning. it is the reality i live in . the weather has been unusally warm here much in line with the planetary theories of david wilcock. i think the radiation of the whole planetary system is increasing the rate of awareness and thus karma is being accelerated with this new energy so this means it will be sad for a bit and then the growth though painful will result in a deeper underatnding of the concerns of truly loving another beyond genital sexual expression.