[IssuessBratte]

in attempting to address your issues, kenneth, i feel a certain sense of caution, because i don't want to come across as someone who thinks they understand what you are going through, because i don't.

the first thought is to attempt to draw some parallels between my perception of your experiences and my own. right off the bat this is difficult, because i am strictly heterosexual, although i have been 'guilty' of sexual excess in the past.

when my marriage to the mother of my four children ended several years ago, i determined at the time to not be bitter, and think and feel my way through any propensity to feel despair. it was a huge blow to the person i believed my self to be, and in order to live up to my promise to myself and my family to not be stunted emotionally by this experience, i had to re-examine everything i thought i was.

i discovered a great deal about my own preconceptions of how to live life; i became aware of much personal arrogance, rigidity and propensity to be in abridgement of the free will of my wife, and my kids. i realized i had tried to be the 'dictator' of my family, and as the man of the house believed i should have final say in how our children should be raised, and where and when my wife could work, etc.

now, much of this was a result of my own 'old world' upbringing (english) but it took the loss of the privilege of living with my boys and wife to learn that which i probably would have not learned any other way, in this lifetime. i came to be somewhat more evolved, spiritually, through this experience.

now, all this is not meant to draw a parallel to your life in particular, it's just to illustrate the fact that a greater good can come from the experience of major catalyst. i chose to not be a victim here, although it was hard; and feel a deep, real gratitude for the whole experience. i'm the better person for it.

anyway, after i was summarily turfed out, i got this little condo where i am now, and soon felt the crushing loneliness of coming home from work everyday to an empty house -- and this was entirely new to my experience. i had never lived alone before, and quite frankly hated it.

i soon discovered the solace of the neighbourhood pub, and regular social drinking became a way of life for the first time in my life. i was thankful for the company, and made many new friends. the drinking itself proved to loosen me up socially, as i had never been a good social mixer, and now i had lots of new friends who would all together raise a noisy, welcoming glass when i walked in the door.

now, i was a happy drunk, not a staggering drunk, not a loud or obnoxious drunk, but still a drunk. i was a popular drunk, and many sought out my confidence and friendship. i soon realized that i had come to associate drinking with fun, companionship, and women! i had been sexually 'deprived' for the last few years of my marriage, and let's say i felt a certain vindication.

not just with women, but with all the bar-based associations. i was popular, well liked, and felt much less lonely.

god, i was a lonely kid! i had felt a terrible ostracism as a child -- very, very different and strange. i was literally the smallest kid my age, sent to school with a bunch af canadian farm kids in an english school blazer by my folks, and had an english accent. all this on top of being 'from elsewhere', i feel, spiritually.

i was badly abused by some kids throughout grade school; in fact i realize now that i was very traumatized by it all.

anyway.

i still visit the bar, and realize that my fragile, wounded ego is still hurting. there is still some, to paraphrase ra, some 'experiencing all things desired' going on in my life, although with a continuation of learning of the futility of feeding the ego, i gradually replace these things with -- well, that which replaces these things!

having been acutely aware of the effect on my personality by my childhood experiences, i determine again not to be bitter, and have, by and large, not repressed my demons, but have given them free range in my life to catalyse me. this has been my excuse, and i'm sticking to it! (for now..)

sometimes not allowing your percieved dark side to find expression in your life can in effect represent catalyst ignored, resulting in a relentless build-up of pain and unrest. i'm not saying to drink yourself into oblivion -- i never drank to escape so much as to have it be a ticket into what i thought was missing in life (women, companionship, popularity and so on.)

sometimes we need to allow ourselves to embrace our shadows and let them come out to play -- and if our position or current paradigms in life is a percieved hindrance, or makes us feel not morally right, we may consider changing them to suit or arranging a balance of sorts so that various facets of our lives don't impinge negatively on each other.

acknowledge, embrace, thank and forgive your pre-dispositions; they represent the signposts on your personal road to becoming! allow them to manifest without guilt, and be damned what anyone else thinks.

and find how you can embrace yourself in the spirit of minding the free will of others...it's always possible!

love, mark