[IssuessBratte]

hi, megan

ah yes, teenagers...

i have four boys, 11, 15, 17 and 20. since cathy and i separated nine years ago, i have had them primarily on alternate weekends, aside from james, my oldest, who lived with me for five years until he was 17.

james was always a special needs child, and was separated from the regular school stream in grade one, as he was considered a danger to the other kids.

add, adhd, odd, (oppositional defiance disorder, or something like that) are some of the labels he has been pasted with over the years.

he came to live with me, at around 12, as he was a physical danger to his younger brothers and his mother, was heavily into drugs and alcohol, and associated with older, gang affiliated people. i have a tiny, one bedroom condo, and he had to bunk in the walk-in closet off the laundry room. this arrangement i felt preferable to packing him off to a group home, as i knew that with me, he would have the benefit of his father's love.

now this was a boy who did what he pleased in our house, and despite years of family counselling sessions, refused to follow any guidelines at school or at home. he wouldn't go to school at all to speak of, could not be grounded, cut up my furniture with knives, burned things with matches, i could go on and on.

once when he first came to live with me, i sat on him for three hours to try to force him to abide a grounding, and it was like a scene from the exorcist. he went out when i tired.

throughout these years of extreme heartbreak for me expecting him to die at any time, (literally, it was worse than i can express) i knew that his path was his own, nevertheless. but i gradually became aware that he had a deep admiration for me, and inside he was grateful for my sticking by him; and i knew that i had a counter-balancing influence on him that might save his life. i became aware that i had to let him do his thing, and hope that an acceptance of all he was might help to lessen his..whatever it was.

so i removed all valuable breakables, sharp knives, etc, put a bolt on my bedroom door and put my computer and a small fridge in there to keep some food and drink free from pillage and contamination with **** and vomit, and lived in my bedroom. he took the rest of the house and proceeded to meet the world on his own terms. i had only one rule i could enforce:

get in my face too much in my own home, and you're out for 24 hours. no discussion, no argument.

and at seventeen, when he became big enough to follow through on his threats of grievous bodily harm, he was told to leave for good, and he did.

love and acceptance and support was always the rule, throughout all of this, and still is.

he went on the streets, eventually got himself into a group home with help from his mother and me, left, went to jail for assault and theft, got out, went back to school, will graduate grade 12 in 3 months, and has a little apartment of his own.

he comes to visit for weekends, and knows i will not engage him but ask him to leave if necessary; he knows if he threatens violence, it will be a long time before he is invited back. this is great anger control therapy for him. he loves coming to my house, where he gets to see his brothers, whom he loves, and who love him back.

he has met himself on his own terms, and has turned a corner.

it took me six months to gradually move back out of my bedroom, and into the rest of my place.

i think i had something to say to you here, megan; i re-read your post just now, and i guess what i have to offer is that love and acceptance can conquer all - offer your son love and acceptance of his choices - be there to talk person-to-person, and know that he is the best judge of his own path of becoming.

he will love your valuable council, and benefit from it; more than is apparent, now. we cannot change our children, only offer good example, council, and communion one to one.

so glory in his opportunity to live; through his own difficult path, he will make you proud, as i am proud of my kids!:d

mark