[WapSaibiar]

funny thing...on my birthday this year my newly turned 18 yr old daughter decided she was leaving. she took off with the love of her life in january and now in march they are not together anymore, yet she will still not come home. she has taken up residency oddly enough with the aforementioned boyfriend's aunt and prefers living there since she now smokes (a shock to me as i quit almost 2 years ago at her request...really it was time) and so do they, i am thinking she just wants the security of adults without them actually being her parents (needless to say that has been very hurtful). she started lying and making me out to be a monster (in the meantime i am trying sooooo hard to be the new calm, mannerly, we are all one, spiritual person...lol). she even had these people that took her in believing that i threw her out on the street! i was and still am in a state of shock. i could not and still do not understand this.

she broke my heart.

it was indeed the biggest lesson of my life thus far. it has changed me forever and what i think on the outside looks to her and others as coldness is actually me being strong (i cried for so long) and letting her experience for herself. since the fresh lesson that i cannot do it for her. i am traumatized by the things she has done. did i mention she quit school? a senior mind you!!! months away. omg the worst!

i finally gave up the control. it was hard. it is hard. knowing how hard it is going to be for her hurts me. not knowing where she is everyday and every time i hear a siren...my heart leaps still...is painful and how much i worry....walking past her doorway sometimes still makes me cry.

it is a long hard process to let go (and let god as they say). we were so close...all my friends always remarked on how awesome my kids were and how they thought i was just the greatest mom, how much they admired our relationship and they hoped to be like me when they have kids. i want to tell them now...no!!! don't ever have kids...they will break your heart...but that is not the truth either, is it? once you have them, everything is different. it was like she was such a good kid...and had been saving it all up for one dramatic exit. i am sure it will all work out. i keep telling myself this. inside i am angry and want to say ugly things to the woman that took her in and part of me wants to go make her come home...i cannot even talk about it because i get angry still, like my daughter was stolen...but i know there has to be a reason for all this. i cried like a baby...how did i fail? what did i do wrong? is it because i was such a liberal parent? should i have spanked her? did i complain too much about her room and chores? does she really think i am that weird? i think i had to learn that i did not own her. as much as i thought i did. my plans were evidently not hers...at least right now. people tell me she will be sorry. i don't want her to be sorry. i just want her to be...regret is not something i ever wanted for her.

let's just say she turned into someone i did not know at all! suddenly. she coldly stormed out as the rest of the family cried and did not call for days. my comfort was seeing she was signed into my space...lol. my greatest comfort has been that (besides her being indigo..lol) i made it. i left young and know it can be done. that is my only solace. i know she is not coming back to me the way it was before...all i can do is tell her i love her and she is welcome anytime. i can't dwell anymore on my failings...because i did not fail. she is a wonderful person and she will see that. we all remember what it was like, right? i just knew it all at 18. the lesson was ultimately for me. i have grown and learned i can handle far more than i thought i could.

i do not know why i spilled all this...hope it helps someone. for those of you who know of this already thanks for being my friends and it has gotten better. i am already planning on getting away and trying to begin my life again. i am now a bit more free in a sense. i get to hang out with me more.