[Xibizopt]

oh my goodness teresa. i can feel your pain from here and i just want to give you a big hug.

a couple of years ago things in my household were not nearly as harmonious as they are now. a lot of it was because the living situation we were in was not the living situation i had envisioned for myself and my family. i was blaming everyone else as well as myself and there was a lot of arguing going on.

during this time my normally lovely son had started saying some really nasty things to me. it completely hurt my feelings and i would generally end up crying in my room. then he would do it again and then say something to the effect of "all you're going to do is go into your room and cry anyways". i would sit in my room crying. i would tell my husband that i didn't know if i could forgive my son. i felt literally shattered that i thought that he cared so little for me that he could hurt me so deeply.

she broke my heart.
it was a very tough time for us all. part of me thought that he had found a way to have power because he felt powerless before for some reason. possibly because his whole family was out of whack for a while. he found a way that he was in charge.

i can't even remember when it changed. i think it changed when i finally accepted my living situation. started to see the gifts and the positive aspects of what we were going through. i prayed and asked my higher self for guidance.it seems that since i have changed everyone else has changed as well. i am much more accepting of what is happening and so is everyone else.

as far as your daughter goes i don't think simple words of mine are going to help much. perhaps because she was so close to you she had to do something irreparable to create a rift between the two of you so that she couldn't "come crawling back home". she would have felt she failed if she went back home. so in order to justify staying at the boyfriends aunts place she had to really cut ties with you and unfortunately that involved hurting you. (i am just guessing here of course). i am sure she stills loves you deeply.

this is the hardest thing isn't it.

i finally gave up the control. it was hard. it is hard. knowing how hard it is going to be for her hurts me. not knowing where she is everyday and every time i hear a siren...my heart leaps still...is painful and how much i worry....walking past her doorway sometimes still makes me cry. i can't dwell anymore on my failings...because i did not fail. she is a wonderful person and she will see that when i read things like that i know you are going to be okay. it is really nice to hear other peoples experiences with their children because we are all so good at judging ourselves, and thinking ourselves to be less than others. (i know i think that) .

as ewhaz stated ever so eloquently in the thread on food maters:

we are all perfect.. just the way we are, how we are, what we are.. to begin with. period. will we change and grow and move in astounding ways? absolutely, thats the true fun of being. not 'trying' to be this or that (which carries the message of it being distant from you, and needing something to be worthy) but being, just being.

i love it when i can really capture that feeling of being perfect already, of loving myself and all my flaws irregardless and seeing them as a vast tapestry of greatness, creativity and endless opportunity. i am worthy, i am love and loved. we are all part of all that is, interconnected and a very beautiful tapestry. i can't truly explain what it is i see when i feel this way, other than to say everything is alright and going to be fine. to say that any one among us for any reason is unworthy or 'bad' for lack of a better term reflects on our feelings for ourselves. no one is required to be where you expect them, only required to be. the beauty of their own path should inspire you to see the beauty of our own and revel in the experience. we are one and perfect in every way i think i need to read something like that everyday. it is so true.

take care,

lots of love,

megan