[Xibizopt]

yossarian,

first of i would like to thank you for responding. you had a great deal to say a lot of which makes a lot of sense.

so what if they hear your communication and keep disobeying? do you now escalate? do you start with yelling at them, escalate to shaming them, escalate to removing support, escalate to throwing them out, escalate to beating them, escalate to murder? i will be the first to admit that there have been times earlier while parenting where i did lose control. i would generally scream at the top of my lungs. i did not know how to handle it. i would not go so far as to injure my son physically but i am sure that i damaged him emotionally. i have since apologized to him and while i do tend to raise my voice on occasion it has been years since i have gotten even close to that stage. i believe that it was getting to that stage and almost escalating into physicality that helped to stop that behaviour.

i have only recently forgiven myself for this behaviour.

to begin with, a 17 year old is obviously old enough to make his own choices. children are realistically able to run their own lives after puberty. once again i do not agree with you totally here either. when you live with other people whether your parents, siblings, friends what your choices are can affect them as well. for example i know a teenager who decided to have a small party at his dad's house while his dad was out of town. 150 of his closest friends showed up for it. luckily my husband broke it up an hour and a half into the party and the house did not get destroyed. this same teenager profusely thanked my husband for showing up when he did.

now truth be told , he didn't invite 150 people, but in this day and age of instant messaging etc. all it takes is one round of party at so and so's place before it is out of control.

on another occasion my son was left at home by himself for the weekend. my husband and i were having a rare weekend away visiting friends. we got two seperate phone calls regarding my son that weekend, one from the cops , and one from his uncle regarding issues that were happening. yes what happened was totally a learning experience for him and no one was seriously injured but when we were invited again a couple of weeks later we didn't go. our weekend together was not quite as relaxing as it could be due to worrying and not knowing everything.

the role of a parent is not to control or dominate. it is not to force. it is to nurture, but not smother - this means that the child chooses when to be nurtured. you cannot force someone to be nurtured. you can't say to your son, "if you don't let me nurture you, i will beat you to death!" i truly believe that i am not dominating or controlling him excessively. but i don't see anything wrong with a little gentle guidance. i can also tell when he wants to be left alone or wants nothing to do with me. and believe me i stay away then.

new world, positive thinking is about being available for the child when they come to you i also believe that any relationship is a two way street. each side gives a little, each side gets a little.

. your role as a parent is not to create a carbon copy of yourself, you are not raising a clone, you are not molding a sculpture. you are providing love and genetic material and physical safety, and your child is using these raw materials to create his own sculpture to *his* specifications. not yours. i totally one hundred percent agree with you on this one.

if you choose to accept his choices (even if you disagree with them) and to nurture him in whatever path he freely chooses, you are following the positive path i mostly agree with you on that except for when his choices affect other people. while he is still at home these choices can affect me as well.i honestly am behind him on whatever career or non career choice he makes. if he is looking for suggestions i will offer them but i totally agree that it is up to him.

your son has decided that sometimes it's better to sleep in a bit than to go to school immediately you know i suppose you are probably right on that. it didn't really hurt a lot him missing part of the day. however we let him take several extra days off in order to go on an extended spring break ski vacation. it's a bit of give and take.

and yes it is a characteristic in myself that i always try to be on time and if i make a commitment i like to follow through. yes i do realize he doesn't have the same ideals. yes i do realize that he doesn't have the drive and determination i had when it came to school.(and that's okay) but i also think that (as a parent) it is not necessarily wrong to try and instill those ideals in him.


[ my mom's approach to dealing with this was to punish me in every way she could think of. shaming me, insulting me, accusing me of having negative intentions my heart truly goes out to you. i can't imagine how you must feel. and from the bottom of my heart i will reexamine every action of mine to make sure it doesn't contain any of the above.

my son had several issues with bullies growing up and so i have always been rather careful to not try and hurt his feelings or tease him

the thing is though is that i am human. i know for a fact that there have been times where i have probably hurt anothers feelings or overstepped my boundaries. i still do have occasions where i lose my temper.

we are all on this planet learning together. i am so happy that you have found the divine cosmos site. i trust that because you are here you are on the path, learning and growing and hopefully learning to love again. i know you will find your way.

i only hope that some day you can find it in your heart to forgive your mother.

i by no means mean to judge or lay blame or do any of that.

i will leave you with a quote from one of david's readings, hopefully you will find some peace it in.

and thus, even as you struggle with your lessons and occasionally falter at the gate, there is only purity and balance inherent in this universe. we thank you, and we remind you that you are loved more than you could ever possibly imagine. we do realize that you are becoming more and more capable of seeing that for yourself, and this pleases us. go forward, then, in the light and in the love of the one infinite creator, realizing your true potential in every moment of your existence, in every thing that you see, everything that you touch and everything that you are becoming moment by moment. i truly do thank you for your thoughts.

love,

megan