[Elissetecausa]

i appreciate your words. i suppose there is still plenty of anger below the surface my consciousness and i'm sure it comes out, and you've probably picked up on that. i hope you understand that none is directed towards you.

when i said that children are able of handling themselves, i don't mean to say that they don't need help. i mean to say that, cosmically speaking, they're fine. there is a big big difference between a two year old playing with scissors and a 17 year old having a party.

the difference is life and death.

the 2 year old's very life is threatened, whereas whatever damage that may be caused due to an out of control party is always going to be transient. on the cosmic scale, it's not a big deal.

there is a lot of give and take in any relationship, not just between parents and children. in my opinion the parental relationship should not be far different from any kind of normal close-friend relationship where one person has a significant power advantage over the other.

when you exert your authority, you are using a force of domination and control. this force is sometimes necessary - the 2 year old is playing with scissors, he just might stab himself. time to intervene with force.

the two year old doesn't make an argument, he doesn't reason out his actions. he is just playing. the two year old says, "shiny!!" and grabs the scissors.

this is not comparable to most of the behaviors of teenagers. instead, a teenager actively chooses and typically understands his choice and understands the conventional consequences. a teenager is about a million times more sophisticated than a 2 year-old. why do parents often treat a teenager like a 2 year old?

if you tell your kid, "go to school now." and he says, "no. i'm choosing to take my own counsel on this issue" that is so very different.

i can imagine how hard it is to be a parent and have a child, and have the child evolve from something with the relative intelligence of an amoeba, into something with the relative intelligence of a cat, into something that is more sophisticated yet, and then into a young adult being a fully-fledged physical adult with a fully developed brain who happens to have little life experience.

i can imagine how strange it is to have to constantly redefine your behaviour towards this creature. and i suppose that is the challenge.

but in my opinion a large amount of social dysfunction is caused by adults treating 15 year olds (who have the body and intelligence of an adult, but also have little life experience) as if they were a 2 year old who needs to have their behaviour manipulated through reward and punishment.

reward and punishment is for those who can't speak. if you advise your child to do something wise, and he disobeys, and it turns out bad, that is enough punishment in itself. and it may take several failures and several disobediences for him to realize the wisdom inherent.

most of the time life goes on without major harm. a child can receive advice from a countless number of adults who are always eager to give advice.

but every person has only one mother who can give that motherly unconditional support. and unconditional includes the right to disobey.