[Xibizopt]

yossarian,

i think there is a large difference between treating a 15 year old as a 2 year old and treating a 15 year old as a 15 year old. we give our son tons of freedom but just saying do what you want whenever you want is okay with us is just not going to happen. not while he is living with us.

not that we don't let him do mostly whatever he wants whenever he wants anyways we just don't tell him that. we try to give him some basic guidelines of how late to stay out. no he doesn't always behave.

i don't think we have obsessively "punished him or grounded" him ever. he could also should he choose, walk out of the house and do whatever he wants. we can't physically stop him.



but in my opinion a large amount of social dysfunction is caused by adults treating 15 year olds (who have the body and intelligence of an adult, but also have little life experience) as if they were a 2 year old who needs to have their behaviour manipulated through reward and punishment.

my parents let me do pretty much anything. and i hate to break it to you, but all that freedom and lack of boundaries led me to feel that they really didn't care. some guidelines are necessary. i think either extreme is just that extreme.

i know in the big picture that everything is okay and perfect, including what happened between you and your mother and a party that goes out of control. it is sometimes hard to see why these things happen.

why do children have parents then if not for guidance and support.

but every person has only one mother who can give that motherly unconditional support. and unconditional includes the right to disobey. i agree, i would never expect my son to obey my every word and command. we have a relationship based on mutual love and respect. it is not a queen to servant type thing. we talk about things. but if a choice he makes hurts someone other than himself, we are going to talk about it. just because we talk about something does not mean that i do not love him unconditionally. just because i do not agree with all of his choices do i not love him unconditionally.

reward and punishment is for those who can't speak. if you advise your child to do something wise, and he disobeys, and it turns out bad, that is enough punishment in itself. and it may take several failures and several disobediences for him to realize the wisdom inherant. like i said, we talk about things. quite often he decides himself what and if the "punishment" should be.

let me know how you feel when you are a parent and you are waiting for your teen to come home and it's 2 in the morning.

let me know when your teen has an out of control party and destroys someone's house. will you just say "don't worry son, its all just fine in the cosmic scheme of things, i'll take care of the $50,000 in repairs, because i know you have learned your lesson."

the difference is life and death. there is more to life than life and death, there is everything in between.

yes i do trust that pretty much any decision that he makes will likely not be a matter of life or death. he is a great kid and i am proud of him.



i guess we are just going to have to agree to disagree on certain aspects.

megan