[BrainTop]

@ makram abu-shakra:

a few years ago, a friend of mine died and something very strange happened. i saw everything around me as if it were her. the trees, the road, the man walking down the street, the sky; everything had her signature. it was as if, upon being released from the confines of her body, she permeated the world. and indeed, mystics speak of such an expansion upon death. yes, my loved one has not passed on but i see her everywhere and in everything. it is different in that i think your experience was a positive release in that you felt comfort that your loved one is ok. mine is almost torturous.

i would try meditating on internalizing your loved ones, or seeing them as reflections or versions of your own self, feeling their presence in your heart, always there but perhaps only sometimes activated, as if they were there in potentiation. sometimes i think that meditation makes things worse. a mountain of thoughts fall on me when i try to be quiet with myself and it makes me feel crazy.

in turn, as you live more and more with the law of one, feeling your loved ones inside you becomes easier and easier. i have been getting lessons in understanding oneness for at least 10 years now, inner-self-directed. it takes a long time before such a proclivity becomes fully integrated. once this occurs, the world outside and inside become easily interchangeable. i have not reached this point, yet, but i will not forget that. thanks.

@ zneg1:

the need part now borders on feeding the ego self and that now becomes sts situation. you have to be balnaced in terms of loving and accepting and do this with wisdom and too much of the same thing (like needing somebody too much and relying on somebody too much) is feeding the negative influence. i hope this makes sense. it does totally make sense but sometimes it is easier said than done. someone told me once that when you are depressed you are at your most selfish. i do believe this is true but i am not sure of how to break this cycle.

@ e.f.:

i'd like to stay with the analogy and see you (or me) as owner of a house with many floors and many rooms to open and explore. should we depend on others to come up with the keys that open our doors? that's a fearful thought, at least to me. it's nice if i get a hint where to look for one i seem to have misplaced, but that's as far as it should go for me. i mean, i don't want to feel like a prisoner in my own home, having to beg to be let into my own study, or dining-room, or whatever. though of course it can happen that i have to pay someone to open my front door, because i forgot to take the damn keys with me when i went shopping. *sigh* nice, interesting analogy. let me add a bit to that. i feel like the other person is the one who offers the power to my house. when i am all alone my house is rather cold and dark. when the other person is home then my house becomes warm and light again. i am trying to figure out how to light my house all by myself. i don't have the answer to this at the moment. sometimes i wish that my family had not gotten split up and spread all over the map and maybe i would be more stable but then i do feel that i should be able to be strong and stable all by myself.

it does not mean that i need them urgently because they have the keys to my doors. that's not sharing, that's a recipe for doom. i agree with you here but i guess i am not sure how to find or where my keys for peace and happiness are. i intuitively know that i need to have them before i can be healthy and happy but i am not sure where to start.

maybe meditation would be a good start. it is worth a try.

i really appreciate everyone's advice.

thank you,
ryan