[crazuMovies]

when i am all alone my house is rather cold and dark. when the other person is home then my house becomes warm and light again. i am trying to figure out how to light my house all by myself. i very much suspect that when the other person is at home you start seeing beauty in everything, and the beauty you begin to see is what makes your home appear so warm and light and cosy. also, you may feel the life in her, and start to feel alive through her, and connected.
sometimes i wish that my family had not gotten split up and spread all over the map and maybe i would be more stable but then i do feel that i should be able to be strong and stable all by myself. no, just no. if your upbringing created situations for you that made you feel disconnected and alone, then you cannot now expect yourself to be all strong and stable. that's simply not the game you've chosen for yourself this time. please accept the layout of your own game, because accepting it is the first step towards handling it. you must have had very good reasons, very positive, growth-oriented reasons, to choose to confront violence, strife, emptiness and feelings of lack the way you do. it takes some courage to choose a difficult path, that's nothing for the faint of heart, so some respect for yourself and your choice wouldn't be all wrong.

pain is a mighty motivator, sometimes a shortcut, and negativity is a very good teacher, isn't it.

if you want an advice, i would advice trust. the answers are already within you; deep down you know how to align with yourself. trust that they will move up into your consciousness, clear and understandable, one step at a time. ask your deepest inner self for healing and then let go. things will happen.