[BrainTop]

no, just no. if your upbringing created situations for you that made you feel disconnected and alone, then you cannot now expect yourself to be all strong and stable. that's simply not the game you've chosen for yourself this time. please accept the layout of your own game, because accepting it is the first step towards handling it. you must have had very good reasons, very positive, growth-oriented reasons, to choose to confront violence, strife, emptiness and feelings of lack the way you do. it takes some courage to choose a difficult path, that's nothing for the faint of heart, so some respect for yourself and your choice wouldn't be all wrong. yeah, you make a lot of sense to me here. but it is hard to accept something you don't much understand.

so some respect for yourself and your choice wouldn't be all wrong. thank you for saying this. i think i really needed to hear that because i don't much respect myself.

pain is a mighty motivator, sometimes a shortcut, and negativity is a very good teacher, isn't it. yes, i think the pain is letting me know i have to make some changes. and it is definitely motivating me to take a drastic look inside myself.

if you want an advice, i would advice trust. the answers are already within you; deep down you know how to align with yourself. trust that they will move up into your consciousness, clear and understandable, one step at a time. ask your deepest inner self for healing and then let go. things will happen. this i think is really a tough one for me but i think it is very true. my fear of another loss has practically immobilized me. i need to trust that the thoughts coming to me at the moment are the right ones and i need to do it. you can't make decisions based on fear.

i really appreciate you offering your thoughts and advice. it has been very helpful.