[huedaanydrax]

i think this has been a very useful and supportive post for all who visit here, and that these feelings are likely much more common than one might suspect.

the perspective that i've developed over the years that feels comfortable to me after reading and meditating on a number of viewpoints from different teachers (including most recently the law of one) is that nearly every experience, thought, or feeling that i've encountered, regardless of its origin, that suggests separation from source is only an illusion. valuable for its opportunity as a learning experience, but still an illusion.

for me, this includes moments of lack of self worth and questioning of my own purpose; comparison to the accomplishments and worth of others; feelings of being punished or of separation from others, from life, from success, from source/god/the higher self; the idea that my own happiness must somehow be put on hold because of the different or special nature of my life this time around (teacher, care-giver, son, husband, incompetent boob, "star-born", liberal, "different", more sensitive, or just plain old martyr, etc.)

if i really want to wallow in it, i will tell myself that i'm special in a way that excuses my upset and sensitivity to this harsh period in the history of this planet and this civilization. but, when i step back, i realize that that's just another way to create separation from source. in the first place, by deciding that others, while rightfully on a different path, are somehow less aware or less worthy, so that this rough existence is okay for them, but not for me. secondly, by longing for an existence that i feel to be true in more refined realms and feeling as though i'm on some nightmare vacation from hell, or doing my time as a noble spirit warrior to help these "slow" beginners. this fosters a false sense of separation, from god and nearly everyone else on this planet, that is unhelpful to me and places my happiness outside of my control, at some undefined point in the future. a future that is in the hands of god, fate, karma or whatever or whoever i've decided is running the show this week, but certainly never by me!

while i think it's important to examine the circumstances we have chosen to create (or accept) for this particular life, i'm not comfortable with the idea that, at any given time or in any particular life, we are ever further away from god/source/higher self than at any other time. i think there are an infinite number of ways in which to challenge ourselves, or "put the blinders on" to exercise our ability to connect with source and begin to express and direct it. i think that is one of the incredibly beautiful aspects of this whole game, how it all fits so well, how it serves us in any capacity we ask, how it let's us create the most perfect process of self-discovery imagineable.

if we had to be spoon-fed wisdom about our connection to source, our purpose in this existence and told who, when, where and what to see and know about our connection with everything else around us, how valuable would that be, compared to making each and every one of those realizations on our own, painful and costly as that might be?

life is an unbelievable gift. i'm learning to be more and more grateful for every moment of pain i've experienced ( and caused), every moment of disbelief that has led me astray, every gentle nudge from my higher self in the right direction, every connection i've ever felt with anyone and anything, as well as the pain of confrontation with those beings who refuse their connection and try desperately and forcefully to get you to agree.

i agree with other writers in this post, there really can be no mistakes in how our lives unfold. if it all leads ultimately to source, how can anything we choose to experience be considered a mistake? as wayne dyer likes to ask, "where is god not?" or, to paraphrase part of conversations with god, nothing is really right or wrong, good or bad, but if you are really trying to become who you say you are, then there may be better choices and easier paths to take.

this website draws many bright, kindred spirits, from what i can tell, and there is obviously much love offered up here, as we share our learnings with each other. my own path is really all up to me, but the connection offered here through the words of others is more testimony to me, as i hope it is to you, of the truth of our connection to source.

ameliejolie, i think you are perfect where you are, doing exactly what you need to do, to become who you came here to be! it really is all good. as i read back over this, i'm reminded that i write this as much or more for myself. thanks for indulging me.

dw