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ewhaz said it all-the only judge and jury for karma is yourself.

that being said, let me share a story.(hope i dont bore to many with my winded stories)

my brother and i are very close. yet, we walk different paths in life sometimes. he is still stuck in his careless living days which keeps getting him into trouble. ive kinda became his logic voice over the past few years. he has dived deep into dangers of drugs and careless living. when he has a moment of being clean, we talk about many things. he knows what i say is right. i advise him what tools he can use(will have to use) in order for his life not to be so chaotic. yet from a addicts point of veiw, its easier said then done. he goes through phases of using and not. he has had the basic troubles of jail, loosing the trust that others place in him, and most of all, he has lost his balance in the world around him. but, there are times where he glimpses much clarity on what i say. we live next door to eachother, so he cant escape me*smiles*

there are many times, when i know he is not straight, that i dont want him around me. the vibes are strong vibes of that he knows, that i know, and he knows, im right. his guilt of feeling week due to his giving in to his want to use is so overwhelming, i cant be around him. even my dog has picked up on the fact that i cant be around my brother in these darker moments.

my dog is awesome, he seems so aware of things, people, what people want and like. my dog sees my brother allll the time, but in the times when i pick up bad vibes, so does my dog, and he will even make it hard for my brother to enter my home when i would rather him not be there. the only person my dog ever tried to bite-yep, my brother. he was literally pulling my brother by the back of the pants leg, pulling him back off my porch. this is after much warning my dog gave him to not come any closer. he pulled and pulled, and when my brother continued to go up the porch, my dog bit the back of his leg. this very night, there was very strong vibes from me that i did not want to see my brother, i knew he had been using(we are not talking about a little weed, we are talking big stuff here)....i couldnt help but to almost laugh when my brother made it through my door telling me about my dog not letting him in.

a few nights later, my brother had still been on this *ride* lets say, i hadnt been talking to him or anything. he knew, i did not want to see him. he decided late in the evening that he would come over(see when people do certain drugs, they like to talk) he was hoping that he could play it off that he was ok and wasnt doing anything wrong ect...which brings him more bad karma i think. he didnt make it half way into my yard. my dog barking and standing his ground disturbed my brother enough, he tripped when his foot went into a hole(we have walked the grounds of this yard time and time again). he couldnt hardly get up to walk he twisted his ankle so bad. he didnt attempt this night to go further, he went back home . when he told me of this the next day, i smiled at him and told him he should know better by now not to try to come around when he is in this state of mind.

this might not be karma-but i truely feel that his thoughts and mine, collide now and then, and actually act off of eachothers. we have talked about this many times. in his times of being clean(which has been straight clean for a few weeks now*yes*), he agrees with me 100% on my ideas of why things bad happen to him when he comes around me while using.

the last time my brother used, he came over late that night. i could tell he was lying to me, i caught him in the lie. i told him that he needed to just go home. he decided to go out with a friend that night. low and behold, he went to jail. the anger that i had that night when i knew he was lying to me was so powerful. i even warned myself not to let too much of the vibe portray on him, for i knew my anger in that moment was very intense. but i couldnt help it. time and time again, he has tried to be in denial around me. time and time again i have warned him not to do this. i remember telling my parents that night, after i heard he had left the house, that the only thing that would help him right now is some time in jail to get clean. ironically enough, while he was in jail, the house phones on both houses was shut down. everyone he knew that could of helped him get out early had only cell phones, which he couldnt call collect. they gave him his one call, which he did call to let dad know he was in jail. this was a big issue for him staying in jail because as soon as my parents hear him cry, fuss, or ask for help, they are right there getting him out of trouble. it was so hard for us to let him stay there a while. we all knew the withdrawals he would go through while sitting in a room about the size of my bathroom with 3 other people. we knew he would get physically sick from the withdrawals(throwing up and diarrhea). i literally fell asleep that first night at my kitchen table. i couldnt bring myself to go to bed. after about a week, the phones were working again, he called crying to mom, and he was out that day. since then, he has been on a so far great path to recovering and learning. he still has a long way to go, for like i said, these are the big drugs, he has been playing for a long time. he has to change his whole life style. hopefully he will continue to let me help him.

i think my dogs intuition was picking up on my feelings, and he acted in the normal way dogs do. he wanted to protect. was it karma? i dont know, but i get this funny tickle feeling like i want to laugh when i see how hard it is for him to come around me when i dont want him around.

similar thing happened with my ex-husband. i had finally had enough of his using(i know, it seems like everyone ive known has had this problem). the day i decided enough was enough, i couldnt help him(or he wouldnt let me help him, whichever), i was praying, meditating, whatever you want to call it. i actually had a moment of despair in my thoughts. i was so angry at the fact that he would not take my advise, he would not try to change, he kept lying and denying, and the anger was towards him that i now was going to have to have a broken family. oh the hurt and pain of this. letting go of my belief that marriage was forever and you must stay by ones side through it all bad and good was of great importance to me. his actions led me to go against my own beliefs of marriage was forever, that we were *soul mates*. so anger built up that day inside me, unlike anger that i had ever had towards anyone. i called my parents, started to make plans for moving to al from in, for i knew i would need some help in this transition. i was waiting for him to come home from work, knowing i was going to lay some extreme news on him. it was a little after the normal time i would expect to see him come home. in the back of my mind i said something of the sorts of*mabey he has died in a accident on his way home and i wont have to worry about his anger when i tell him this news*( i know i know, very very bad thought)*. a four wheeler pulled up to my home soon after this thought. the man had my husband(ex) on the back, bleeding from head to toe. his face was mangled, his chin looked like hamburger. i noticed 2 fingers totally not right, bent way out of place. he was very badly hurt. they first thing that came to my mind was *oh lord, i didnt mean it* -ever since then, i have been very careful about what i say in my own mind. you can feel something inside of yourself, the emotion of good or bad vibe. maybe this was karma showing him he was running on ice that was about to brake. he learned nothing. he was glad to be getting prescription medicine . mabey this was to show me, he wasnt going to change, and to not keep doubting myself that i had to leave.

he was life lined to the nearest main hospital(a hour away). i stayed with him long enough to help him recover from his injuries(but i was very distant). he noticed i acted more as a friend would act then a lover towards him. after 2 months of caring for him, i told him i was moving. he was very controlling, so this was not easy. i had to get restraining orders. i had horrible nightmares he would kill me. he continued to use, and is now in very bad shape. he is a 40yr old man with the heart of a 80 yr old. he has a swollen heart because of the drugs. i think karma is something you create yourself. it is the effect of what you do with your life. cause and effect.

still, in life, we have great people that seem to have the worst luck. we cant forget that none of us are totally protected from bad things happening to us. if we were totally protected, we wouldnt experience bad things for no reason. this reminds us, we dont have total control on what comes our way, we only have control on making the best of every situation(experience) we are given. i do feel, that i was in a way, *placed* in certain peoples lives, to try to help them. or-mabey i look to much into things:d

you must love thyself first, in order to shine love to others, then the light will shine back. the ones that hold that light in selfishness, and doesnt shine it back to you, i think karma might give then a kick in the rear at times

these are just rambles of my own life-jibber jabber-

peace to all,
lynette