[WhiliaStelt]

beloved jane--welcome!

as with everything i share--if there is something that resonates with you, take it, shape it to fit you and run with it--otherwise, just set it aside, okay?

i'm not going to diagnose you--you're truly the only one who can take responsibility and know your experiences, thoughts and feelings in every moment.

with that said, just over ten years ago i had a childhood trauma come to the surface that i had suppressed and convinced myself it was just a dream. that "knowingness sense" within me told me i needed to "bring that which is hidden within out into the light"--basically share with my husband and other people what had happened in order to take the power out of it being a secret. i had intended to take it to my grave.

this was the second step of the process. after the first step of letting myself remember it, i was at a place in my spiritual journey where i truly believed that that childhood experience was intended to happen, that there was a purpose in it (that i had made an agreement with a fellow being), and that god wouldn't have allowed it, if that wasn't so.

when i finally got the courage to share my little story with my husband, i found it was so much easier than i expected, and that my husband was understanding and accepting of me. the world was great!

the very next day, my neck went out of whack! over the course of two days, i learned what muscle spasms really were. i couldn't roll over or even lay down on the bed. my husband had to dress me and comb my hair. we got in to see a chiropractor who sent me to a medical doctor for pain killers and muscle relaxants first--i was so tense and shaking he was concerned he'd end up tearing things if he tried to adjust me without getting me relaxed more. i was shaking too much to get x-rays--scoliosis had pretty much twisted my entire torso from my neck and shoulders to my hips.

while there, the chiropractor's associate asked me if i'd suffered a recent emotional trauma that started the whole thing. i answered, "no." and i was sincere--i thought i had dealt with the trauma three days earlier, that it was fully resolved. but it was only the tip of the iceberg.

i was just beginning the process of healing myself and gradually becoming aware of all aspects of myself and how to integrate them in order to live life to its fullest. i would learn to connect emotional and spiritual beliefs and issues to physical symptoms using the chakras. most importantly, i would learn how to breathe using my diaphragm and learn to center myself in the present moment. this was a journey of years, and not a few days.

i learned to listen to my intuition: go to a doctor with the physical stuff or take an aspirin or a tylenol if that's what struck me to do in one moment. the next moment i might "get a thought" to take a walk, a nap, enjoy any kind of food whether i perceived it as healthy or just fun and comforting. i did yoga, i followed the pain and experienced it fully, listening to what it was telling me. often once i listened to the pain, i would remember painful moments that i'd stuffed away and buried in anger, and by remembering those moments and allowing the tears and the pain, the symptoms disappeared.

i had body aches--arthritic feeling type pains. i slowed myself down and listened to what they had to tell me about me. i held myself.

i had allergic reactions and rashes--old energy consciousness seemed to use any pore to find a way out of me. i listened, i took sea salt water baths, and sometimes i scratched the surface deeper for relief. eventually they disappeared, too.

thru' out it all, i had a belief that i was just moving old energy out of my being--i was in the midst of a transformation that went as deep as my dna. i'm no longer afraid of getting some disease that i can't move thru'. i perceive it as just "moving energy."

i did a cleansing fast, not knowing of a thing called "toxic rush." poisons going in aren't going to feel very good coming out. i would recommend to anyone doing that, just make sure someone close to you is aware of what you're doing. it can feel pretty traumatic. thankfully my husband was there.

i also began to let go of conspiracy theories--the idea that i had no power over someone inflicting something on me. that seemed to just hand the responsibility and joy of my own life over to someone "other" than me--it was disempowering. and i grew up on conspiracy theories--sometimes it was hard to challenge that deep sense of needing to be "right" about those old ideas. it was as if to do so meant that a good portion of my life was just a waste--but i found none of it was a waste.

i also did yoga and was doing stretching exercises when i first suffered the bulged vertebrae in my neck--for me, i believe i had a blockage there most of my life and when i started putting "light" on the whole subject, it created a great deal of pressure on that blockage (needed at the time in order to start getting energy moving thru' it). gradually it would grow easier and less painful and eventually disappear after one last run thru' in order to break up the scar tissue.

long story short, i appreciate and have tremendous joy in every part of that journey. i discovered gems about myself and humanity that i just adore and love playing with. every moment was, and is, a gift--and those gifts just keep expanding in my reality.

don't know if you'll find this helpful--whatever you do, do it your own way. if nothing else, please know my thoughts are with you--and thanks for sharing your story with us.

welcome to our group. my dad used to love having coffee, visiting with all kinds of people--and this forum reminds me a great deal of those moments.

much love and light and hugs,
penny