[indartwm]

i have been thinking about all these things in a kind of similar way recently.

i have to ask, when somebody becomes aware of all these things (if they are true), what exactly is their purpose? i'm very cynical about having a purpose which is simply to help change the way others think and therefor set them free......because this has never worked in my experience.

i'm so confused about everything. how can i be sure of anything at all in this world? what is "real" and what is not? how we tell when we are fooling ourselves?

i had a profound experience as a child where i felt connected to god, this feeling of pure love pouring into my soul. it seemed to come from outside of me. i wanted to stay within it forever, but i had to get back to "real" life. it happened sort of spontaneously a couple of times or so (when i was praying because of nightmares or i was frightened), and i have not been able to get it back since. i don't know if it really was god, or just another trick of the matrix (manipulating my pituatry gland or something) to persuade me to become religious, as my family, though inactive at the time, were former members of the "mormon" church, which they later rejoined, because when i was 13 some missionaries came and i wanted to go (i was in it for a year, but left, because a lot of things didn't make sense to me, plus i couldn't tune into god in the temple, after which i severely hurt my knee by slipping on the floor). it was a very traumatic time for me "losing" my religion as such- i prayed every night but didn't get the answers i wanted- that it was true, but i kept hoping because my family put me under a lot of pressure when really all i wanted was some inner peace. losing my religion and realizing the extent to which people fool themselves in the world was totally, utterly heartbreaking for me.....and i don't think i'll ever get over that......amongst other things, such as not learning how to "fit in" during those crucial years.......

anyway, i must get my son ready for kindergarten now. that's the other thing. i might be able to free myself, but what about the poor two souls i've brought into this messed-up world? perhaps souls need to incarnate to find a way out, i don't know. or perhaps they only become trapped once we conceive them and give birth two them.

either way, i feel so confused and depressed about everything. my energy levels are very low due to loneliness- i have my two sons but i need more than that i guess, because the role of being a mother is incredibly demanding, emotionally.

i think about ending it all, but then i would cause pain to people. i'm trying to figure out if i am more of a burden dead or alive?
would i still be trapped in the matrix, or is the key to freedom to simply let go of the attachments of all its illusion and believe in one's own power to truly free themselves, no matter what they may have been brainwashed to believe?


love.