[indartwm]

some more thoughts.

your dream, about the nature of this world and how everything may be an elaborate construction for the use of living creatures as an energy source for another race of beings who are also under control.......raises a lot of questions.......who is really at the core of all this and why? dark matter which simply is? or the misnomer lucifer and the luciferic consciousness?

or maybe, just maybe all it is is a dream within some greater consciousness which is where we all belong, have broken off into many forms of illusory separateness? a dream which it, we, eventually made so real, we have forgotten how to wake up, and therefor we hurt ourselves in ways which could never have been imagined before?

i don't know!

is there any way to really know? in my experience there is not, because there are so many different forms and layers of illusion, whatever we think or feel may be true....might just turn out to be another form of illusion. it's always been this way in my experience, but then again i did make a decision with my consciousness that my innermost desire was to search for the absolute truth, to try and find a way out of this spirit prison, to liberate others if i can......and you know what they say;- "ignorance is bliss".


i made a decision with my consciousness......call it free will if you like.

but then again, as far as "free will" goes, i have to wonder whether there really is any such thing, in truth, while we are in the body.

"to understand all is to forgive all".

"forgive them, they know not what they do".


exactly.

i feel that if the so-called veil wasn't in place (perhaps there is a different form of veil for each dimension)........the way i see it is that:

we would all understand we were all connected. we would be able to see into each other's hearts and souls because we wouldn't be blinded by the limitations of the flesh body matrix (or any other kind of body, for that matter).
if we could feel that we were all interconnected, there would be no desire to hurt anyone, because to hurt another would be to hurt yourself.


so why do our souls need to incarnate into a body in this dimension and in others, if all we really need to know is something we have just forgotten?
it's like being free, but somehow wandering off into a labyrinth out of curiosity, being held in there over many life-times through the seduction of many lies and forms of illusion.....then eventually, after the labyrinth has kept you as an energy source for a very long time, you realize that all you need to do if you want to become truly free again is simply to get back out again.


as far as making a difference in the world goes (through being positive), i have my doubts about this also.

what if there are certain laws within this matrix which mean that whatever happens, whether negative or positive, these two "opposing" forces (which aren't really opposing but are one)....will always make sure things are balanced out, in one way or another.

therefor, anything which uplifts, gives hope, makes us happy, expresses love, etc......are a bit like "the carrot on the stick", just serving to keep us in here, just keeping us sufficiently happy to put up with all the other things.
for what? for the purpose of feeding something which is at the core of it all? who knows exactly?


people always assume that the people thought of as "sane" and happy are the enlightened ones, the ones who have it all figured out.

what about the saying "ignorance is bliss"?

what if the people others view as insane and inferior due to their depression, etc (which the "sane" members of the population automatically assume is a weakness).....are really the ones who are the most "sane"?


i mentioned to an online friend/ acquaintance that for a time, during my teens i was a goth. she said she couldn't imagine me as a goth, because she saw me as "too much of a light-worker" to ever be one.
perceptions.
so i tried to explain that people sometimes have the wrong idea about goths, not that it really matters now as i gave all that up several years ago.


why do people often assume that just because a person is deeply spiritual, this automatically means that they should be a center of pure happiness and a tower of strength, whereas if you are depressed it must mean you know nothing?

i was reading about how mother teresa struggled profoundly with her faith/ relationship with god, even though this isn't something which is commonly known.


when i gave birth to my eldest son, all i wanted was to be the perfect mother. every time he made the smallest cry, i would go and pick him up, which some people tell you you shouldn't do, but it always comforts them, because if it didn't then why would it work?

anyway, to cut a long story short, i soon found out that being the perfect mother was simply impossible. i couldn't be his source of infinite strength.

unfortunately, my son happened to be one of these babies with colic, though his particular colic wasn't as extreme as some babies get.

this meant that he barely slept for more than two hours. the only way i could comfort him was to keep him on the breast, which was overwhelmingly exhausting, physically. i tried to express milk so someone could help give me a break, but i wasn't able to do this. in hindsight, it may have been better for me to allow a little formula, but at that time in my life, i was still under some of the indoctrination of the vegan world i had been a part of for a while (though i had eventually given it up, for a variety of reasons). there are non-dairy formulas, but i didn't want to give these either because i have concerns regarding soya.......

anyway......

the point i am trying to make is that the idea of something i read from buddhist teachings, i think, on a leaflet, which said:

"all happiness in the world stems from wishing others to be happy"

is flawed. i can see this now from my experiences .
being a completely perfectionist mother can be so draining that it runs the risk of one day leaving her completely drained.........

so i learned to let go. i learned that i needed to take care of myself, otherwise i wouldn't have the energy to take care of them.


but apart from that.....apart from this whole idea of service to others and saving the world.....i have to ask

what is it all for?


perhaps the problem is i'm just not enlightened enough?

i feel sort of bad for talking about negative thoughts on this forum. the reason i am talking about them is because, at the end of the day, what it all comes down to is i just don't know.

i am here at least to attempt to try and figure some of it out.

isn't that a positive thing?