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i cannot but smile when i see you asking the very same questions i had been asking myself for my whole life. the "opposing forces" you describe are exactly what i realized myself some time ago. i used a term "conflicting principles", but it's one and the same.

it was written some 4 months before i had that dream. it's a part of a long thread over at ad started by someone else, so i'll just quote a part of it here (you don't need to go through his problems, so i hope moderators will forgive me the waste of space):
hermetic law is actually a kind of interesting thing. it is known in the theory of organization (mostly company, but also applies to any other form of social organization) that psychology of the menagement (the top dogs) always propagates downwards throughout all the levels of organization. exactly "as above, so below".

the problem, as i see it, is that we are currently stuck on one of the middle levels of such organization - i call it "the hierarchy of power". it seems to me that describes it pretty well.

i suppose that at some moment in the past, some kind of beings living in the same world we live in, decided to create such organization for a simple reason - to establish and mantain control of needed resources. the resources are, of course, all the beings on the lower levels.

the funny part, and the pure cunningness of the plan, was to make every controlling level of organization (the race ruling over several lower levels) think it's at the top. just like we were taught in school - "human is at the top of the food chain", remember? so, just like we think we are at the top, i can only assume, so do the ones above us. that would, of course, also include some of the aliens we hear so much about.

now, i find that kind of organization rather disgusting, and more importantly, inherently unstable. we know from our own history that every empire collapsed sooner or later. this one is no different, it's just a matter of time.

i also have no doubt that there were others (other beings on all levels) who found this organization as repelling as i do. for you see, there is also another kind of organization. this other kind of organization i chose to call "the network". it looks just like that - a network of beings connected throughout all the different levels, cooperating between themselves rather than struggling for control.

so, from my point of view, what is really going on is the struggle between two possible organizations of the universe. and this struggle's been going on for a very, very long time. some may call it "a battle of good versus evil", but i prefer not to use emotionally charged terms when dealing with these things.

it looks simple enough up to this moment, doesn't it?

well, here comes the really, really interesting part...

neither of these organizations can ultimately prevail. the creator of this universe, who or whatever it was, incorporated two conflicting principles in this creation. the first one is the principle of freedom, and the second one is the principle of finite energy.

the first principle assures that no being will ever be able to completely control the universe, however high it gets, as some other beings will most certainly disagree with such a state of affairs. and since everyone is guranteed freedom to change, however low they are, there is always some chance to overturn the control at the top. it just comes down to probabilities.

the second principle assures that no being will ever be able to reach the top without gathering energy from a finite pool of energy in the universe. and since there are other beings gathering energy from the same pool, the only posible outcome will always be the struggle between the beings.

so, what does this tell us about the creator? strangly enough, nothing much. i certainly don't know for what purpose this universe was created, and every time i try to come up with a reason, i hit a brick wall of conflicting principles. on one hand, it seems we are free, and on the other, it seems we are limited and practically forced into struggle.

i wouldn't be surprised at all if no being, on any level, really knows the answer. and that the only difference between "the hierarchy of power" and "the network" is the estimation of the best way to break out of this universe, and finally find out what it's all about.

"the hierarchy of power" belives that following the principle of finite energy is the answer, and that if just one being is able to break out, maybe this universe will somehow end and others will be able to break out too. from their point of view, "the network" is just daydreaming and plainly stupid concept which can never succeed.

"the network" belives that following the principle of freedom is the answer, and that all beings should try to break free at the same moment, as a single unit of consciousness. from their point of view, "the hierarchy of power" is inherently unstable, and even if it succeeds, the being that breaks out will simply collapse on the other side. the binding force between constituting parts of such a being will be so weak that it will never be able to face what lies out there.

like a smoke, puff, and it's gone... when i read your posts i can remember what it was for me to be in a similar position. i don't have children myself, but all the doubts, all the questions, all the times of depression are there, more or less the same. at some point it all lost any meaning. so many different theories out there, so many people telling you how to live your life. it was almost impossible to resist the pull to live, to be, what others tell you to be. it was extremely difficult for me to break out of it.

it had to do with leaving my job without any certainty i would find another one. i knew before leaving it i was faced with my fear of uncertainty, and i could tell myself i had to overcome it, but it took some great pressure and stupidities from my former boss to make me leave. i think that was the time i overcame all of my other fears as well. i can feel your fear coming out of your words. i don't know what it's about, but it feels as if you fear you won't be able to take for much longer whatever situation you are in. it feels as if you fear you are too weak to struggle with it. have you asked for help the people close to you? knowing myself, and how similar we seem in our doubts, i presume you didn't. you wish to be strong for the others who depend on you, but you feel drained, and afraid of asking for help. there must be someone who you would trust your life in. they may be the pillar for you to lean on to gather the strength you need.

i remember someone who is a mother as well, and who had to deal with some very hard problems for a very long time. maybe you will find some useful bits and pieces of information in hers posts:
http://forums.astraldynamics.com/vie...891&highlight=

there is only one more thing i can put here. it helped me greatly to deal with it all. it will be another waste of space, so i apologize once again. it's an excerpt from carlos castenada's book "teachings of don juan".
i am going to teach you the secrets that make up the lot of a man of knowledge. you will have to make a very deep commitment because the training is long and arduous. a man goes to knowledge as he goes to war, wide awake, with fear, with respect, and with absolute assurance. going to knowledge or going to war in any other manner is a mistake, and whoever makes it will live to regret his steps. when a man has fulfilled those four requisites there are no mistakes for which he will have to account; under such conditions his acts lose the blundering quality of a fool's acts. if such a man fails, or suffers a defeat, he will have lost only a battle, and there will be no pitiful regrets over that. a man of knowledge is one who has followed truthfully the hardships of learning, a man who has, without rushing or without faltering, gone as far as he can in unraveling the secrets of power and knowledge.

to become a man of knowledge one must challenge and defeat his four natural enemies.

when a man starts to learn, he is never clear about his objectives. his purpose is faulty; his intent is vague. he hopes for rewards that will never materialize for he knows nothing of the hardships of learning. he slowly begins to learn- bit by bit at first, then in big chunks. and his thoughts soon clash. what he learns is never what he pictured, or imagined, and so he begins to be afraid. learning is never what one expects. every step of learning is a new task, and the fear the man is experiencing begins to mount mercilessly, unyieldingly. his purpose becomes a battlefield.

and thus he has stumbled upon the first of his natural enemies: fear!

a terrible enemy- treacherous, and difficult to overcome. it remains concealed at every turn of the way, prowling, waiting. and if the man, terrified in its presence, runs away, his enemy will have put an end to his quest and he will never learn. he will never become a man of knowledge. he will perhaps be a bully, or a harmless, scared man; at any rate, he will be a defeated man. his first enemy will have put an end to his cravings. it is not possible for a man to abandon himself to fear for years, then finally conquer it. if he gives in to fear he will never conquer it, because he will shy away from learning and never try again. but if he tries to learn for years in the midst of his fear, he will eventually conquer it because he will never have really abandoned himself to it. therefore he must not run away. he must defy his fear, and in spite of it he must take the next step in learning, and the next, and the next. he must be fully afraid, and yet he must not stop. that is the rule! and a moment will come when his first enemy retreats. the man begins to feel sure of himself. his intent becomes stronger. learning is no longer a terrifying task. when this joyful moment comes, the man can say without hesitation that he has defeated his first natural enemy. it happens little by little, and yet the fear is vanquished suddenly and fast.

once a man has vanquished fear, he is free from it for the rest of his life because, instead of fear, he has acquired clarity--a clarity of mind which erases fear. by then a man knows his desires; he knows how to satisfy those desires. he can anticipate the new steps of learning and a sharp clarity surrounds everything. the man feels that nothing is concealed.

and thus he has encountered his second enemy: clarity!

that clarity of mind, which is so hard to obtain, dispels fear, but also blinds. it forces the man never to doubt himself. it gives him the assurance he can do anything he pleases, for he sees clearly into everything. and he is courageous because he is clear, and he stops at nothing because he is clear. but all that is a mistake; it is like something incomplete. if the man yields to this make-believe power, he has succumbed to his second enemy and will be patient when he should rush. and he will fumble with learning until he winds up incapable of learning anything more. his second enemy has just stopped him cold from trying to become a man of knowledge. instead, the man may turn into a buoyant warrior, or a clown. yet the clarity for which he has paid so dearly will never change to darkness and fear again. he will be clear as long as he lives, but he will no longer learn, or yearn for, anything. he must do what he did with fear: he must defy his clarity and use it only to see, and wait patiently and measure carefully before taking new steps; he must think, above all, that his clarity is almost a mistake. and a moment will come when he will understand that his clarity was only a point before his eyes.

and thus he will have overcome his second enemy, and will arrive at a position where nothing can harm him anymore. this will not be a mistake. it will not be only a point before his eyes. it will be true power. he will know at this point that the power he has been pursuing for so long is finally his. he can do with it whatever he pleases. his ally is at his command. his wish is the rule. he sees all that is around him.

but he has also come across his third enemy: power!

power is the strongest of all enemies. and naturally the easiest thing to do is to give in; after all, the man is truly invincible. he commands; he begins by taking calculated risks, and ends in making rules, because he is a master. a man at this stage hardly notices his third enemy closing in on him. and suddenly, without knowing, he will certainly have lost the battle. his enemy will have turned him into a cruel, capricious man, but he will never lose his clarity or his power. a man who is defeated by power dies without really knowing how to handle it. power is only a burden upon his fate. such a man has no command over himself, and cannot tell when or how to use his power. once one of these enemies overpowers a man there is nothing he can do. it is not possible, for instance, that a man who is defeated by power may see his error and mend his ways. once a man gives in he is through. if, however, he is temporarily blinded by power, and then refuses it, his battle is still on. that means he is still trying to become a man of knowledge. a man is defeated only when he no longer tries, and abandons himself. he has to come to realize that the power he has seemingly conquered is in reality never his. he must keep himself in line at all times, handling carefully and faithfully all that he has learned. if he can see that clarity and power, without his control over himself, are worse than mistakes, he will reach a point where everything is held in check. he will know then when and how to use his power.

and thus he will have defeated his third enemy.

the man will be, by then, at the end of his journey of learning, and almost without warning he will come upon the last of his enemies: old age!

this enemy is the cruelest of all, the one he won't be able to defeat completely, but only fight away. this is the time when a man has no more fears, no more impatient clarity of mind--a time when all his power is in check, but also the time when he has an unyielding desire to rest. if he gives in totally to his desire to lie down and forget, if he soothes himself in tiredness, he will have lost his last round, and his enemy will cut him down into a feeble old creature. his desire to retreat will overrule all his clarity, his power, and his knowledge. but if the man sloughs off his tiredness, and lives his fate though, he can then be called a man of knowledge, if only for the brief moment when he succeeds in fighting off his last, invincible enemy. that moment of clarity, power, and knowledge is enough. i hope some of this will help you in your struggle.

i don't know where it comes from, but i remember a specific feeling i once had, not in the life a remember. a feeling when i swore with everything i am that this world would be free.

it may be good to know there there are others out there who feel like i do, and who give the whole of themselves, without any reservation, to that cause. they don't care what happens to them. there is no meaning in living in this never-ending circle, so they have nothing to lose.

it is my experience that only when one has nothing to lose and cling to, only when one lets go of oneself, one's fears, one's hopes, one's dreams - one becomes capable of fighting against this condition we are in. and, also, one becomes capable of giving oneself fully to whatever one chooses to believe in.

but, first, one needs to rest and gather strength. everything else comes naturally.