[Cofeeman]

i don't want to bore you with the details of my life story or anything. suffice to say that basically where i am now is in a sort of rut, and i don't feel i have the skills to pull myself out or make myself happy. i feel i can't do it alone. i am a loner, and yet i long for kindred spirits to share times with. i'm not quite agoraphobic or such, though i do suffer from a little anxiety now and then. i can talk to anyone, find things to relate to them with, and yet i feel and know deep down that i am not like any of them. it's sometimes lonelier to be in a crowded room of people than by myself.

i know it's only an illusion that we're "disconnected". and yet, i have to live in the "illusion" for time being, so i have asked the "universe" to send me the only one thing i really feel i want, that could help me to be happy. it's funny- i decide to sit down and write a list of all the things that could help me be happy, and this is the only thing i could write. a companion i can be truly compatible with. but what if this doesn't happen, for whatever karmic reason?

the truth is, i don't know how to make myself happy, without changing my circumstances. i am the mother of two sons, a 16 month old and a 4 year old. they are both very high spirited. the truth is, children are not there to make you happy- you are there to make them happy. you have to be the one to radiate happiness to them, and transmute- not react to- all the tantrums and negative behavior they constantly bombard you with all day long.
i know this, and yet ironically i don't know how to actually do it.....i just don't seem to possess the skills.

i hardly get any enjoyment out of life any more. it is very difficult to make myself do anything.

i had to give up a part-time evening course in reflexology because their father told me he wasn't prepared to give me lifts any more; and taxis are far too expensive.

this is only because i have made it clear that we don't do each other (or the kids) any good in a relationship where we fight all the time (we already live in separate houses any way). i have held onto the relationship all these years because in a sense, i'll always love him (for we are all one), and this was better than being alone. but the more i find myself and am true to my spiritual yearnings and passion for finding answers, the more being with him proves impossible, as he isn't open-minded or spiritual at all. i just can't talk to him. (he thinks my interests, thoughts, etc are just a complete waste of time, or a joke).

he thinks i am just selfish and self-pitying, but then has he walked in my shores? has he lived in this body/ space-suit and seen through these eyes, felt these emotions?

i would like to "pull myself out of it" if i knew how. but what it comes down to is i just don't know how to, other than change my circumstances.

so, this is what i plan to do.