[Cofeeman]

we took the boys to my eldest son's party today at a big soft play area (his birthday was on monday, but we planned his party with his friends for today).

anyway, it was nice. i was able to forget myself and my problems for a couple of hours and just enjoy it. i enjoyed talking to the other mum's there and their company.

i guess i have postponed inviting anyone round here for a while because there are a few things i wanted to do in the house first, such as do the settee up a bit and clean the carpet in the living room.....i worry, not because i have less than some people, but i just want to show i have standards, as this is quite a "middle class" area.....not that there is really any such thing as "class".

(to cut a long story short i haven't been living here long, moved around a bit so haven't any "roots" as such).

also, the way my mother acted, who came along with his two cousins, made me realize that a lot of the problems i have aren't mine at all. they are hers. she started acting really weired and disappeared for a while because she thought the other grandmother ignored her, but she never made any effort to say hello either........

i never had friends come round the house to play very often as a child, and i had an over-protective upbringing. eventually i became depressed and rebelled, but i experienced some bullying via violent girl gangs that stopped me going out for a very long time, not even to school (after the age of 12- left at 14).....so this has left a scar. there was constant fighting in my house growing up. i had insomnia. i have two older brothers (7 and 9 year age gap) who i didn't get along with growing up.........


i really want to change my life and put all of these things behind me, including the attitude of my mother, etc.