[Cofeeman]

thank you, i appreciate it. i hope i'm not making a fool of myself here, but i really don't ask for help unless i feel desperate. if it wasn't for my boys i don't think i would be here- they are the motivation for me to try and find a way out of the rut i've got caught in. if it wasn't for my boys, i think i would have ended it all by now....as i have been somewhat melancholic since the age of 11 and living in a kind of ennui there after......trying to decide "to be or not to be".......


chris, we have a system over here where the child support gets payed directly from the social security, then the social security claim it off the father- this helps guarantee the children get the money they need.
you are right, i do need to do a course of some sort. i will have to find out if there are any i can start in january or something. i'm quite interested in holistic therapies right now. i think something like this would be much more practical than academic studies, which don't necessarily guarantee an interesting job (which actually seem rather scarce these days).

as someone says in the wonderful french film "amelie".......
"times are hard for dreamers".

the high spirited, passionate, creative, imaginative deeply spiritually aware souls of today suffer enormously because none of the "boxes" available to them are suitable.....not one bit.

when i was a little girl i used to dream of being all sorts of things.....an actress, a writer, a singer, a fashion designer.......or working with animals, or charity work (the next mother teresa)

i think because my sun sign is in gemini and my moon is in libra (conjunct pluto), i feel the need to share things with a companion very strongly. when there is love, i feel so much more alive. however, i tend to be extremely fussy. i won't consider anyone who i don't feel an intuitive connection with and casual relationships don't interest me in the slightest......truly, madly deeply is where i'm at (there was this sad film i watched once called that- very emotional and intense....that's us moon conjunct pluto souls!

i think i should have been an artist of some sort.
the passionate and unstable fireworks of the souls deepest innermost emotions......and all that.....yes, these are the waves i ride on the wavelength of my life.

so many of the great artists experienced these feelings, and i think i know what it is they felt.

life is full of so many "hopes and expectations, black holes and revelations".

sometimes the weight of the world just seems to be crashing down......a feeling of such tiredness of the world of illusion, the perpetual cycle of karma, tapestry of yin and yang, love and hate.....money is worthless, and things will never bring happiness......i just so long to be at one.