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cedars--how very perceptive of you! i was never a disciplined journaler, but the pc opened a world of expression of that which was within me through the ease of getting my thoughts down quickly as they "hit" and then allowing me the chance to read through and simplify and clarify the impressions more fully. so writing has definitely built up the momentum in my journey. every now and then i hit "delete" to erase all of my past words and give myself a fresh blank pad to move forward with.

in the years past, if you were to meet me in person, you would have found yourself completing sentences and thoughts that i left dangling (and often in a strangely chaotic word order). i'm a fairly decent speller with a handle on grammar and word meanings, but i can slaughter word pronunciation like a pro! my head seemingly left my tongue behind.

i've since also realized that people felt safe in my company because i was highly sensitive to their emotional beingness and unconsciously accomodating myself to easing the pain i felt coming forth from them. i was reading emotions, and for a long time i had no words to match them.

have you ever wondered why you didn't speak up when you were in the presence of someone ridiculing another? people do negative things more often due to perceiving themselves in an "unlikeable, unacceptable" way and when unaware of that we try to deflect the focus from ourselves onto another. in short, the person often acting cruelly is acting out of pain. i realized i was picking up on the pain of the attacker.

i used to get so frustrated with myself for not speaking up in those situations--i felt "wrong" in not having the words to do so in the moment. until that moment of choosing compassion with myself and asking for clarity and understanding about what was really going on.

sometimes it's appropriate to "dish it back," and sometimes it's appropriate to use a less confrontive approach--and i've realized we have to trust ourselves (inner knowingness) in the moment presented as to how to go about it.

thanks again for your encouragement--i love to write!

kenneths149--keep posting--i love reading of your journey, too. it's important to share ourselves with such authenticity because it opens so many doors for so many others seeking to remember their own unique gift in being. i know it's a vulnerable act to contemplate, much less, do. yet i see so many of the people in this forum doing just that on topics of sexuality, mental illness, sports, etc.--and that's why it's growing in numbers--it reflects humanity, one by one, expanding our box of beliefs and perceptions. and that is literally changing my world.

much love,
penny