[iqxdvjgmat]

one of the biggest triggers of an emotional response of revulsion for me has been an egotistical remark—and i’ve been getting triggered a lot lately. it bothers me so much because all along i’ve been seeing that the outer world is only reflecting back to me the “inner me.”
when i write, part of me is aware of that ego of mine sitting on her pedestal of superiority. i’ve tried everything possible to get her under control—every means of destruction i could possibly imagine—but she keeps coming back to life after faking being dead for awhile. i’ve even tried to just ignore her and pretend she’s not there—but she tags along, nonetheless.
it’s embarrassing and irritating—i don’t like that i’m trying to be the center of attention. this old ego of mine has been a big stumbler in my lightworker efforts—she’s always competing and comparing herself with everyone around her, cutting them down in order to make herself feel better about herself. sure, she’s gotten sly about it, not coming out and voicing it or putting it in words—but she’s present and thinking those thoughts, feeling those feelings no matter how much i try to monitor it all out.
yesterday, i finally made the connection between all the wars i see going on in the world around me, and the war i’ve been engaged in with my ego. i’ve been perceiving my ego as a negative and dark aspect of myself that should be killed off completely—humans are accustomed to killing off that which scares us. obviously, that’s not solving the issue.
i’ve discovered that the path to evolving past duality is not choosing one polar aspect over the other (judging) and then “killing” the latter off. the idea is to integrate the two polar opposites together, let them both be, and meld together balancing themselves off—do the dance—because without the two contrasts being in existence together, there is no experiencing of either.
my ego has been that part of me helping me to experience that unique aspect that is only me—my self. without it, i would blend in with my surroundings, be undistinguishable from another. and that’s not what this is about. ego was a set-up tool for the 3-d experience. it actually protected me and kept me alive in the early stages of the game of life as a human because, early on, i didn’t believe myself to be anything but a lowly sinner that some god/creator outside of me placed on earth in order to fix and refine.
the reason i’ve been so triggered emotionally by “blown up egos” is because i’ve judged it as being “the wrong way to be.” all my ego has been wanting is for me to acknowledge her—quit trying to squeeze the lifeblood out of her—and instead sit and observe the multitude of gifts she’s brought me because of her existence. she gets ornery only because i’m so ornery with her.
long ago, a very cherished part within me reminded me, “apologize not, for your own or another’s existence—for it’s out of love we all come, and it’s unto love we all return.” i see now that applies to all those “others inside of me”—my beloved ego, for one. the war is over…

writing helps me see my "within" more clearly. thanks, everyone, for this safe space...

penny