[KeettyGlots]

Hi all! I guess, I have to explain much of my life, so you could understand my problem better.

At first - I have some problems since birth - I have congenital nystagmus, that means also nearsightedness and bad vision all of my life. Anyway, I guess I'll never have a driving license. But still I have a masters degree in programming - that is weird, but I got it

In childhood I had a lot of nightmares. My parents later discovered that my bed is located on underwater streams, and in our country it is a common belief that it is not wise to sleep on such a location. Anyway, I do not know the real reason, why I had nightmares and also really vivid dreams, and also lucid dreams (although they are very short and always in the morning). Maybe my nervous system also is not very stable and nystagmus is just a symptom and not a real problem.

So as a kid, I made a lots of weird experiments in my dreams, like trying to bring things back from dream to the real life (weird experiences, I can tell more if someone is interested), talking to my dream actors about my real life problems, asking them, if they could help me fight my nightmares and so on. Flying in a dream was – and still is – a usual thing for me. As I read lots of science fiction, my dreams are usually about the sci-fi topics. Anyway, my night is like living some other life, and 8 hours of sleep is never enough for me And also I have noticed some slight vibrations (not electrical though, just like holding a drilling machine) when falling asleep or waking up – I guess, I’ve had them always after vivid dreams. When I wake form a vivid dream and look at my white ceiling, I usually see some kind of interference waves, some pattern or something like that, it fades out after 5-10 seconds, but still makes me wonder, because I have a full conscious awareness at that moment.

I am a shy and hermit-style person, I like being on my own in the real life. I have experienced much mocking and teasing as a kid from other children because of my bad vision, I am also physically weak, and that all made my life psychologically hard. I have already used to that, actually I feel that this helps me to understand other similar people better, and I find better social contact with people like me and also with elder people because I am tolerant and like to listen to people, although sometimes I am also very selfish, I have to admit that.

Only in my dreams I feel safe and contact a lot with everyone I see, and try to be aware of what is happening, and fight my inner demons, whatever they look like.

The only thing is – I haven’t seen any scary thing in my dreams! I just feel some unknown fear from some usual objects, which get some frightening meaning in my dreams – like AC wall sockets which pull me in like with a magnet, and TVs and other big electronic devices (well, except computers – they seem to be friendly even in a dream ). Anyway, I know only one or two times when I wake up and do not remember my dream – each of my dream is very special for me. I have invented my own ways to escape nightmares and to recognize dreams, I haven’t tried to specially train for that though. I have also creative dreams, where I sing some simple song, and the in a dream it transforms in a most beautiful music I‘ve ever heard, and I become part of this music, I feel so powerful and as a part of everything in the universe, and then I wake up and it seems like I got a positive charge for the entire day, and all the day I feel like I love everyone around me. I am really grateful to God or whoever gives me this feeling – it seems like some compensation for my bad vision. I even tried to create some similar music on a computer, but it is only a shadow of what I hear in dreams.

For many years I have ignored all this stuff about AP. Only 2 years ago I read about LDs and finally I had an evidence for my parents that I am not lying when I tell that I sometimes control my dreams. I have had sleep paralysis a lot, also some feeling that I am seeing through closed eyes (but I have not any evidence of that yet – maybe I am just sleeping with opened eyes).

Some time ago I found about AP, I got curious. Now I have read some literature, something of three Roberts (Monroe, Bruce, Peterson) and Frank Keple. And now I am getting afraid. The problem is that I feel stuck in my personal life. I feel a need some spiritual development because I cannot find ways to fight my fear of the life itself. I mean – I am afraid of living normal, social life as much as I am afraid of death (also because I guess I won’t be able to have a wife and kids and normal social life anyway). And somehow I know that I have to change my awareness of the world around me to stop being alone in the world and stop living just in my dreams. But the thing is – I know, if I change my level of awareness, I may completely lose the link with reality.

I haven’t had any real psychic experiences in my life, except some precognition dreams about some not so important things in my life (sometimes I am even angry – why I could foresee that there will be no lesson at school tomorrow but I cannot foresee that I’ll get robbed).
I do not know where to go further and if I have done right reading this stuff about AP. Some nights ago I had a dream where I had and OBE and used my cellphone to shoot a photo of my physical body it seemed funny in a dream, but when I woke up, I was scared. Last night I had a LD, and I felt so safe and excited, that I threw myself into the sky as a rocket, saw clouds and stars for a moment, then woke up and again felt slight vibrations and those dream afterefect patterns on the ceiling. But I remembered that one may cause AP if flying such a way in a LD. And that is one thing I would try to avoid for now.

So my dilemma is – I do not feel psychologically stable enough to try AP, but I feel that I will not be able to find some most wanted answers in my life. Who knows, maybe I’ll not find them even in AP.

And now I am afraid of my lucid dreams. What if I accidentally turn one of them into AP – I mean, I feel so safe and excited in a LD. It is like, I am controlling dream, but I am not controlling myself. If I get into all this stuff I might attract more problems to my life than I am ready for. And who knows – maybe our supermind or subconscious knows better how to deal with our astral body (maybe it needs to do some astral work at night or something like that ) and it is a bad idea to let our consciousness interfere just because we can do that?
Anyway, for now I’ll quit reading all this stuff about AP (if only it is not too late) and hope that my supermind will give me some answer.

Thanks for reading this, and I’ll be grateful for any comments.