[Ceriopal]

I just really want to lose the rest of this weight or fit into these pants I have. When I don't eat fat I get really depressed, always have. That's why I fail at so many diets. That and my body just hates letting go of fat . technically I will still be over weight when I lose the weight I want to lose, but the last time I was that weight I was super skinny so I don't think the BMI chart is accurate. However going by the chart, as of yestarday I am no longer obese. I am just losing my motivation I guess. I just don't feel like I can do it. I am realizing my food addiction and feeling hopeless. What is the point when anytime I eat I can't have what I really want (which is some combination of bread and cheese) I feel like hiding in my apartment and not coming out until I am skinny again. My husband doesn't understand how I didn't realize I was getting fat. I feel like I just woke up one day and saw a picture of myself and wanted to scream. It was the worst feeling I have ever had and now with TOM here and no food to run to, I am stuck feeling these horrible feelings about how I didn't deserve to have fun because I was fat. I know people have been making fun of me and all my attempts to lose weight. I just feel like that little girl in middle school again chubby with huge glasses and everyone pointing and laughing at me. Why can't I just wake up and be who I was 4 years ago. Where did this food addiction come from and how am I supposed to get over it? Do I just have to feel this way and how am I supposed to cope with it? Food is the worst addiction IMO because an alcoholic can just avoid alcohol and still have a social life. If I try to avoid all the food that triggers me I would be locked in my apartment and probably not even be able to see my husband most nights. There is a party tomorrow that I cannot go to because party's kill my diets. My friends are always sabotaging my diets and I don't know why. I don't think they do it on purpose, they just build up my self confidence and then I feel like I don't need to lose weight but then it always comes back. The guilt. The feeling that I am worthless because I can't lose weight. Shouldn't I control my body not my urges? Shouldn't my life be my own design??? I am just so sick of waiting to be skinny. When I get there, how am I ever going to have the strength to maintain it?