[PriniMai]

I refrain from cheating, not because of what I'll lose, but because of what I would like to regain. I don't cheat because I'm tired of being selfish and hollow and distant and cold. I'm tired of not being trustworthy and reliable. I used to be and then I just forgot why I cared to be.

I do not want to hurt my girl friend anymore. I don't. That's a no-brainer. But my desire to not cheat is because I would like to get back to who I was before I stopped caring about others. I want to get back to being a good person. I know I'll never outlive my faults and I know that I'll have to always deal with what I've done in some way, but I can't let these habits continue to push me down.

My girl friend DOES deserve better than me. I'm a liar. I'm a fraud. I fake happiness and manufacture sorrow. I cheated on her and belittled her and manipulated her. I have done all of this and more and NOT just to her, but to almost everyone that I've ever said I loved... Family, friends, anyone.

However, she sees something in me. Something in me makes her love me. What she sees, I don't know. I will not allow myself to be this person anymore. I want to find what she sees and be the man that she fell in love with and I want to make sure that I'm not just a lost cause or a waste of time. I want to deserve the love that I've received and I want to receive more. But I want to EARN it, so I persist.

I fight my urges, and avoid temptations, and situations that might lead to such. I make decisions that will keep me straight so I can become the man that I should be. Not FOR her exactly, but because of her.