[romalama]

I wash my hands or perform istinja 3 times, but if these rituals are not done with 100% concentration, or if one of the washes is such that it is out of sync with the manner in which I wash, then I end up starting all over again.*

I have immense fear of cross-contamination, for example, if my hands are not washed properly and then with those wet hands, I handle clean clothes or my phone, these items will also become impure. The result is I end up spending literally hours washing my hands, because of the fear that some instances of cross-contamination are so time-consuming and/or difficult to reverse.*

Another issue is when I finish in the toilet and wash my hands in the sink next to the toilet, there is something telling me that I just put my hands in the toilet, and if I do not wash them again, the towel I use to wipe my hands and anything I touch therafter will become impure.

My whole body is tense at the time of istinja, wudhu and ghusl because of fear to the extent that I am exhausted by the end of the day.*

As a result I sleep till late and do not fulfil either my religious or my wordly duties.

How do I overcome this issue?

If I don't give in to the fear, I find I can't shift it from my mind and therefore I continue feeling immense mental discomfort for days on end to the extent that I am permanently overwhelmed with the thought that irreversible cross-contamination means all my ibadah will not be accepted.

I try to remember Allah in my heart even whilst in the toilet. I try to perform dhikr whilst at the sink, but I am still overcome by such fear that I end up washing more than 3 times or become fearful that I may have touched the cup used for istinja with my napaak hand.

There is the additional issue that I keep doubting and/or forgetting the amount of times I washed, and this is despite making a firm intention to concentrate on what I am doing.

I try to tell myself, what would the Rasul of Allah (Sallalahu Alayhi Wasallam) do if he were in the particular situation I am in. Would he wash some more? Would he wash the cup for istinja after finishing istinja? What would he do if he felt a strong inclination that he had dipped his hand in the toilet? What if he simply could not remember whether he had washed his hands or not before handling wet clothes from the washing machine that had just been washed?

Despite trying to work the answers out by using the aforementioned perspective, I can't seem to do so because of overwhelming fear.

The fear is that if I don't give in to the fear and wash the extra amount of times, then the consequences are far-reaching.

If the bell or telephone rings, or if someone calls me whilst I am washing my hands and I become distracted, then I start washing my hands all over again. I can then spend up to 5 minutes at the sink.

My mind keeps playing tricks on me, and I am therefore unable to decipher what is of genuine concern and what is not.*

So, for example, a question will pop up in my mind: "now that you have washed your hands, did you just touch the napaak floor with wet hands?" Most times I can't give a definitive answer either way and therefore I go back and wash my hands.

I am feeling very very depressed and hopeless. The tunnel seems dark and it seems life will continue like this.

Being chastised by others does not help. It simply increases the fear, but unfortunately some people's default position is to chastise or ignore the issue.