[BamSaitinypap]

Assalamu aleikom

I am your regular Muslim teenage girl,originally from Libanon, located in Sweden and 18 years of age. I was raised up in a conservative and strict family. I had no problems with it either. I cherished the family moments where we sat down and memorized the Quran or had a family prayer together. Heck even the hijab was OK. But then again, I was a child, not aware of what it all really was about.

This year I turned 18. It marked the climax of what has been a turbulent couple of years for me. Suddenly, the cosy, loving yet religious family was exchanged by a totalitarian monster. My dad first and furmost. One day, a year ago or so, he called my name. He wanted to talk to me. He said that I by now was old enough to destroy the honour of my family. My whole life would by now depend on my modesty, he said. This occured, when I started to demand independency and some breathing space from my family. The pressure from my fam, to become a modest, homestaying girl and my ambitions as an independent woman had constant struggles and it climaxed a couple of months ago. I had this argument with my dad after I came home from my friends house (and she is almost my neighbour). He told me that I was a disgrace towards the family and that I was for him a "western stranger" and not his Muslim daughter. In his opinion, I was too free.

Too free, I asked myself. My whole life was about going to school, keeping my grades up, staying away from boys and relationships and spend some time with my friends when I had the chance. And that was too free?

And then, I started reading about the sexism of middle eastern cultures and the role of women in Islam. What I learned was shocking. I had this picture in my head, of the Quran being a book of wisdom and guidance, void of immorality and injustice. Prophet Muhammed was a barometer of perfection and moral values. That did not rhyme with the concepts of heritage and witness accouting in Islam. It was so sexist, so unjust. How could an Almighty God really be so hateful and discriminating towards one gender, I thought to myself. But even then I was fine. It was minor doubts, I thought. Everyone go through them, they'll eventually fade away. Then I learned about Muhammeds relationship with Aisha and it crumbled my world. The man I've been raised to love and respect, had a relationship with a 9 year old? My research went on and on and for every single day, I discovered immorality, injustice, violence in the religion I loved.

I became ill. Very ill. I cut contact with all my friends. I barely talked to someone for weeks. I was isolated in my own room, trying to convince myself that Islam was the truth. I tried hard. I didn't want to lose my religion, I didn't want to dissapoint God, I didn't want to dissapoint my family. I cried for myself so much.

Please, I am lost. I don't know what to do. I pray every day that I might be guided, but it feels there is no god there to answer. Please anyone, help me out. I am in a really dark place.