[JonnTEN]

One of the threads recently got me thinking and I thought I'd share some random points;

1. There is no doubt about it that there is a big fitna with regards to women working outside the house. This has lead to many many problems which I encounter on an almost daily basis. The poor children are left with kuffar nannies and miss the love and tarbiyat of the mother. A lady sees herself as independent and sometimes not in need of a man. People are nowadays bragging about the haram jobs that their daughters work in. Example we had some family friend who was getting married to some school teacher and the family were so happy and kept emphasizing the fact that the lady is a teacher. I asked them which school she teaches at and I knew the school very well. The actual school is a mixed school from the age of 11-18 and this is where she teaches. I know for a fact that most boys that age going through puberty get very excited quickly. The teacher being in her early 20s would be getting a lot of attention from these boys. But nope instead of looking at this the family is happy that she is a teacher. There is no doubt that the majority of women work in haram jobs where their deen is compromised to a certain extent with a few exceptions. In my own workplace I regularly see the flirtatious behaviiour of most ladies. They giggle, laugh, speak more than neccesary etc. Where I work closeby just within earshot is the office of one of the directors who happens to be a muslim lady. I regularly see men going to her office and chatting her up and having long conversations which are not neccesary and all I can hear are giggles and laughs. The same kind of guys who do not even try to respond to the salam of male collegues will go out of their way to chat up these ladies. There is only 1 lady in my whole working life who I have seen is straight to the point. She mashallah does not chit chat and keeps conversation to the minimum and I've never seen her laugh at men. I remember recently we had to go away for some event away from our workplace to another city over 100 miles away. All the other ladies happily volunteered going away without their mahram and staying in a hotel for days on end but this lady she refused as she said her family did not allow her. However such ladies in my own experience are very rare.

2. I am disgusted that nowadays men live off the wages of ladies. I know many girls who have been rejected solely based on the fact that they don't work. Nowadays many guys and families are looking for working girls. This is an ever increasing problem. I remember a friend of mine whose aunt got married at the age of 37. I asked him why so late and he told me that she was paying the mortgage and was the highest earner. A friend of mine told me that he wanted to marry a non-working girl but his family insisted on a girl who works full time.

3. There is a large number of girls who are not married due to divorce, other factors etc. Now what can be done about these girls? Now one solution is propagating polygamy but the problem comes is that many girls will want their own place OR their families will want their daughters to have their own house. The point is that in many situations this is not really possible for the vast majority of the people and thus I THINK what brother nomadic was saying was that instead of these girls remaining single the girls should consider waiving their rights......

Now in my own experience (not me but those I know) this involves waiving 2 rights...equal allowance and giving equal time. Now before I start on this I do not recommend this practice to anybody unless it is some sort of last resort. The reasons are many but let me share a few stories with you..........

There was some convert sister with a few kids. She accepted the fact that it was very unlikely that she would be taken as the only wife due to her AGE and number of kids. She agreed on polygamy and she had her own house which was given to her by the government due to her kids and being a single parent. Now this sister she was willing to get married without wanting a penny from the guy but what she wanted was some occasional company. She was flexible with regards to the number of nights (maybe she was persuaded by the men). Now this unfortunate sister got married around 10 times. I tell you why...because the guys were having a field day. No worry about maintanance and they did not need to spend time with her. They would come whenever they felt like it. The problem with this arrangement was that most guys who married her did it secretly and over little things would get divorce. The point is she had little protection. I mean in a country like syria or the arab countries where you will lose a massive mehr which you will probably never earn in your life then you will think twice about leaving a lady over petty things but these guys knew this was not the case with this lady. Also many times when a husband and wife have problems some middle people who are responsible elders try to broker some deal. In this case as there are no middle people and the marriage is a secret there is no such incentive. Another factor is that many people don't divorce over petty things due to the sake of the community (saving face) or due to the pressure of parents and thus they tolerate a lot more. However in this secret marriage this was not the case. Imagine if the guy dies? Inheritence? So anyway after getting divorced about 10 times the sister decided that she would only marry a man who would be open with the marriage to his family and would give her equal number of nights.

Another story. A friend of mine got married to some lady. He told her he would help her pay bills and cover some costs but he has kept this marriage secret from both wives. The lady does not need accomdation as it is already provided by the government. The brother does a lot of lieing etc.


Now the point is we have some scenarios. I am personally 100% against women waiving their rights but if a lady decides to do so who am I to object. In most cases there is some element of haram involved. Maybe the guy has chatted her up so much that she falls madly in love and is willing to accept any conditions. There are however some ladies who are older ladies and are resigned to the fact that if they demand all their rights they will not get a husband even in a polygamous relationship and thus they give up all their rights.

However in my own experience I have seen madkalis abuse this so much and this has resulted in many divorces etc. These are just some random points but I'm trying to see both sides of the story.

i.e. if a lady demands all her rights she will not find a husband. If she foregoes some rights she is likely to get abused in many ways. I THINK that if a lady foregoes the right of accomodation (as she already has her own house provided by the government and some other maintance) then it can be accepted in some ways as there is no way a guy can afford to pay in most cases for separate accomadation however I personally believe that the dangers of secret marriages, and foregoing the equal nights are even more problematic issues.

Sorry for my incoherent post but these are just some random thoughts.