[MatueHarton]

for sharing. This is tough no doubt. Have complete faith in Allah swt (as you already do), and have confidence he will guide you and protect you...
When I was reading your post my mind turned to this: It's a lengthy read, but please if you can, especially read the section called 'The Counsel of Sidi Ahmed Zarruq'
http://www.islamic.pwp.blueyonder.co...ual%20Path.pdf
There are several beautiful parts of it which really struck home for me. The ones which affected me the most were:
Don’t hasten the end result before you have completed the beginning, but,
likewise, don’t begin without looking toward the end result. This is so because the one who
seeks the outset at the end loses providential security, and the one who seeks the end at the
outset loses providential guidance. Beware of being extremely hard on your selfish soul (nafs) before you have obtained a mastery over it,
but also beware of being too lax with it regarding any of the sacred rulings. This is so because
it is constantly fleeing from moderation in everything, and it inclines toward extremism in
both matters of deviance and guidance! Never be fanatical about anything, whether it is the truth or not, and your heart will
remain in a state of soundness toward others. Never claim anything to which you are entitled,
not to mention that to which you are not entitled, and you will be safe from connivance
and treachery. Indeed, anyone claiming a rank above his own will fall, scandalized and
humiliated. Moreover, those who claim a rank they warrant will have it stripped from them.
Conversely, those who claim a lesser rank than their own will be elevated to an even higher
one than they deserve. In fact, if I could paste all of it, I would.
Please have a look at it.