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**Donadoni1809** · 08-19-2011, 04:36 AM

Sister,

Your post is indeed very heart wrenching and it hurts me to see a sister in so much pain and distress. May Allah guide you and give you patience, and may HE make things easy for you.

Sister, first and foremost do not despair. I know it is tough and women are naturally inclined to taking a lot of stress. But please try to keep despair away, it's like a parasite that will eat you away in no time. I say this because I myself have been through tough times myself. So first you need to calm down and try to bring the stress level down.

Second, stop thinking about "why he did this? and why he did that?". Sometimes people are the way they are and no matter how much you tell them or express, they just won't change. and you are left worrying about "why this?, why that??" and neglecting your health, while the other person is busy carrying on his daily routine like nothing happenned. You mentioned that you are depressed and losing weight. I am worried about you here, please please don't let this get into your mind. Divert your mind away from husband for a while, stop thinking about 'why he's doing this or why he changed his number or why he is gone for 12 days'. Stop thinking about him and his actions for a few days, divert your attention to Allah and your kids. I am very sure this will ease your mind.

I have personally seen a couple where the husband became very distant, cold and ignorant. Initially the wife had the same problem, "why is he so cold?" and distant? and she used to ask her husband and argue and her in-laws would support the husband. She eventually ended up in the hospital for depression. When she got back she decided to focus all her attention to Allah. She never again asked her husband 'why he is doing so', all she did was pray and make dua. And Alahmdulillah things got better. Allah guided the husband and now the problems are gradually vanishing.

So, sister sometimes we cannot correct things. Here, the best approach would be to make dua and just stay calm. Avoid any argument or any fights, just so you could stay away from depression and sikness. STOP thinking about why he is doing this. Think about you first. After that Allah will guide you, inshaAllah.

Abour your rights, if men knew about women's rights or vice versa, wouldn't this world be a happier place. What I have seen is when one asks for one's rights, nobody usually gets it. Because if the other person wanted to give rights, problems wouldn't have arisen in the first place. If he or his parents are being ignorant, then there's nothing we can do except for telling them, which usually doesn't help. Ask Allah for your rights.

I am not advising you to be a victim or be opressed, but rather come out of the depression first and then think clearly. If you still cannot handle it or if there is any kind of abuse involved, then seek counsel of family members or elders of the community and make istikhara, inshaAllah.

Most of all, have faith in Allah, everything is going to be fine inshaAllah

[QUOTE]

salam aleiku wr wb

well i give him a lot of space ... he is out all day long even at night sometimes. He is on bussines trip now .... should go just for 3 days but today is 12.
He promise me to change and understand ... even by the imam, and than next day he do what he did before. He calls me bad names tells me how worthless i am as a mum, muslimah, wife and how bad is my shape. I am lossing my weight couse of stress and he tells me to gain. it. Right now i am so depressed that i dont even have more power to fight for this marriage. I have fighted alone for 2 years. He can be nice but than something gets into him and he is like shaitan. He is sooooo cold person ... havent been in the begining. Funny enough he changed his number on the bussines trip. Couse of what reason i dont know. Than he sended me sms that he dont want me to leave him ... and yesterday he again baceme this cold distand person. Hid fam hurt me a lot to ... his mum and dad take allmoust his place telling me i have to sacrifise my self for him. His mum told to him many times that he got what he took an europian ... it hurts me a lot that every time i try to get my rights they use it against me. Is this normal?

08-19-2011, 04:36 AM	#31
Donadoni1809 Join Date Nov 2005 Posts 543 Senior Member	Sister, Your post is indeed very heart wrenching and it hurts me to see a sister in so much pain and distress. May Allah guide you and give you patience, and may HE make things easy for you. Sister, first and foremost do not despair. I know it is tough and women are naturally inclined to taking a lot of stress. But please try to keep despair away, it's like a parasite that will eat you away in no time. I say this because I myself have been through tough times myself. So first you need to calm down and try to bring the stress level down. Second, stop thinking about "why he did this? and why he did that?". Sometimes people are the way they are and no matter how much you tell them or express, they just won't change. and you are left worrying about "why this?, why that??" and neglecting your health, while the other person is busy carrying on his daily routine like nothing happenned. You mentioned that you are depressed and losing weight. I am worried about you here, please please don't let this get into your mind. Divert your mind away from husband for a while, stop thinking about 'why he's doing this or why he changed his number or why he is gone for 12 days'. Stop thinking about him and his actions for a few days, divert your attention to Allah and your kids. I am very sure this will ease your mind. I have personally seen a couple where the husband became very distant, cold and ignorant. Initially the wife had the same problem, "why is he so cold?" and distant? and she used to ask her husband and argue and her in-laws would support the husband. She eventually ended up in the hospital for depression. When she got back she decided to focus all her attention to Allah. She never again asked her husband 'why he is doing so', all she did was pray and make dua. And Alahmdulillah things got better. Allah guided the husband and now the problems are gradually vanishing. So, sister sometimes we cannot correct things. Here, the best approach would be to make dua and just stay calm. Avoid any argument or any fights, just so you could stay away from depression and sikness. STOP thinking about why he is doing this. Think about you first. After that Allah will guide you, inshaAllah. Abour your rights, if men knew about women's rights or vice versa, wouldn't this world be a happier place. What I have seen is when one asks for one's rights, nobody usually gets it. Because if the other person wanted to give rights, problems wouldn't have arisen in the first place. If he or his parents are being ignorant, then there's nothing we can do except for telling them, which usually doesn't help. Ask Allah for your rights. I am not advising you to be a victim or be opressed, but rather come out of the depression first and then think clearly. If you still cannot handle it or if there is any kind of abuse involved, then seek counsel of family members or elders of the community and make istikhara, inshaAllah. Most of all, have faith in Allah, everything is going to be fine inshaAllah [QUOTE] salam aleiku wr wb well i give him a lot of space ... he is out all day long even at night sometimes. He is on bussines trip now .... should go just for 3 days but today is 12. He promise me to change and understand ... even by the imam, and than next day he do what he did before. He calls me bad names tells me how worthless i am as a mum, muslimah, wife and how bad is my shape. I am lossing my weight couse of stress and he tells me to gain. it. Right now i am so depressed that i dont even have more power to fight for this marriage. I have fighted alone for 2 years. He can be nice but than something gets into him and he is like shaitan. He is sooooo cold person ... havent been in the begining. Funny enough he changed his number on the bussines trip. Couse of what reason i dont know. Than he sended me sms that he dont want me to leave him ... and yesterday he again baceme this cold distand person. Hid fam hurt me a lot to ... his mum and dad take allmoust his place telling me i have to sacrifise my self for him. His mum told to him many times that he got what he took an europian ... it hurts me a lot that every time i try to get my rights they use it against me. Is this normal?
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