Bismillah Al-Rehman Al-Raheem Dear Brother: I understand and sympathize with your frustrations. From your words, I can hear clearly you are not happy. I know you feel like you cannot love the woman. I know you feel trapped in the marriage. Unfortunately, your complaint is not an uncommon one in forced arranged marriages. You are in a situation not entirely one of your making, but I also believe like the others that you should not give up on the marriage. You may feel that divorce is the answer to your problems, a viable solution, but I have to be honest, that I believe that the divorce should be the last option you give yourself of other options. Why do I say this? For definite reasons. And for your sake. As an unbiased observer of your marriage from the small details (also having read between the lines) of your posts in the thread, I see points that I am not sure you do, points easy to miss but perhaps worth looking over: In a marriage like this, do you imagine your spouse is ignorant of your lack of love for her or your dislike of the marriage? Have you not told your dislike of the situation to her in arguments (at any point in your marriage)? Have you considered you might have transferred your resentment of the circumstances forced on you by your parents onto your marriage? If you had met her under different circumstances, like at a friend’s wedding, seeing her laughing or participating in a conversation that would animate her face, might you, might you not have been attracted to some feature of her personality? Have you ever considered that you might not have been her idea of her ideal husband either? These are questions I think you should honestly think long and hard on and answer to yourself in the privacy of your heart and mind. The answers might be worth exploring, I believe. Communication is an important part of marriage, and I don’t mean just the language of words we use in speaking. The nonverbal signals and cues and behaviors in which we indulge which also form part of the package. In just a few words, you managed to communicate to us your frustration, dislike, and resentment. Have you then wondered what you might have communicated to her in your marriage, especially in nonverbal language? Then, do you not think her attitude might be reciprocal as a defense mechanism against your attitude? People say, “Actions speak louder than words.” I am not sure your actions, though superficially might have seemed (or seem) aboveboard to you, could not have at least as much contributed to the deterioration of your marriage into a cycle of arguments, however unintentional. I am, however, not interested in the “blame game.” I am sure neither are you! The past is past. But I do think it is important for you to analyze your own situation to the fullest extent so that you may be in possession of the fullest understanding. Have you ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? Self-fulfilling prophecies occur when an individual acts in a manner that serves to bring about the very circumstances that the person expects to happen due to expectation or judgment of self (or even others) in a given situation or set of circumstances. To explain this, I will give you a true life example. In a social science experiment, teachers were told that so-and-so students in her class were “gifted” when they were actually average or just above average. However, due to the teachers expecting those students to be performing well, they started giving the students more of their time and attention, as a result of which the students did start performing brilliantly despite not being brilliant students. These students performed well then because their teachers’ expectations communicated to them and then they in turn adopted the same expectations of themselves. So, the experiment revealed the power of self-fulfilling prophecy. It is for the same reason that researchers have discovered patients, when given sugar pill, in lieu of actual pills also recover from their complaints. This is the power of self-fulfilling prophecy. Now to put the situation, as it pertains to you, into perspective: I believe that you disliked your wife-to-be before marriage, and though you wanted your feelings to change, you did not really expect your feelings to change. Thus, your feelings did not change. I may be wrong, but I also think that you have a hard time thinking of your wife as an individual in her own right and keep thinking her of as the spouse you did not want and did not choose of your own free will. Marriage is already a risky business and involves burdens of the mind, emotions, and soul, which if shared, makes marriage a heaven. If not shared, marriage is hell. So, to have the added burden of your self-fulfilling prophecy, especially as your marriage already started on shaky ground, your marriage is now under considerable strain. To alleviate the strain, I do recommend that you change and revitalize your attitude. Instead of focusing on what you dislike about her or why you do not feel as drawn to her, focus on yourself and what you can do to make your marriage a success. Consider this a project of sorts. Romance her, dine her, take a vacation with her, do fun activities with her (kayaking, camping, hiking, or whatever suits your taste), rev up your love life. Foreplay should not be something you do just before you have sex with her, but it should be all day long, like brushing her hair from her nape, surprising her with a kiss, whispering in her ear, holding her hand, etc. Everyday, tell yourself what you appreciate in her or about her and then make an effort to tell her also. Wake up in the morning and in the mirror tell yourself, “I am going to make this marriage a success.” Then, for the sake of Allah, pray for your success. Because your success means your marriage’s success also and vice versa! Here’s a famous anecdote from a best-selling book by Carnegie that might illustrate the power of appreciation: A member of one of our classes told of a request made by his wife. She and a group of other women in her church were involved in a self-improvement program. She asked her husband to help her by listing six things he believed she could do to help her become a better wife. He reported to the class: “I was surprised by such a request. Frankly, it would have been easy for me to list six things I would like to change about her—my heavens, she could have listed a thousand things she would like to change about me—but I didn’t. I said to her, ‘Let me think about it and give you an answer in the morning.’” The next morning I got up very early and called the florist and had them send six red roses to my wife with a note saying: ‘I can’t think of six things I would like to change about you. I love you the way you are.’ “When I arrived at home that evening, who do you think greeted me at the door? That’s right. My wife! She was almost in tears. Needless to say, I was extremely glad I had not criticized as she had requested.” “The following Sunday at church, after she reported the results of her assignment, several women with whom she had been studying came up to me and said, ‘That was the most considerate thing I have ever heard.’ It was then I realized the power of appreciation.” If you do not see a change in her attitude or your marriage as a result of changing your mental state, then I do not imagine I have learned anything about people. Attitude is one of the forgotten ingredients to the recipe of a good marital life. Nobody is saying that you have to stay in an intolerable situation, but people are saying that you should not give up on a marriage when the brand-new attitude can give you a brand-new marriage with the wife you already have. You know, falling in love in our cynical society takes as much effort as anything else as we all have been bombarded with images from our cradle by the movie industry, publications etc. of what love is without being told that infatuation is not the same as mature love that grows out of two people learning to love each other in spite of the flaws, faults, and frowns that we may experience. Also, I wanted to paraphrase a story I had read a long time ago but which I remember very little; so, I apologize in advance for any mistakes I may make due to memory, but I am trying herein to translate from my memory as faithfully as I can: Once there was a student who had gotten married to a very quarrelsome woman and he hated his wife and wanted to divorce his wife, so he went to his sheikh and asked his advice. His sheikh instead of urging him to divorce urged to wait for one year and practice patience and to behave in an understanding and loving manner towards her. Well, after a year, when asked about this matter and whether he still wanted to divorce his wife, “No, by Allah, I love her.” Apparently, his attitude had changed hers as well and he had in turn learned to love her. I know you have been in the situation for two years. And this probably seems forever to you, but maybe if you tried again, this time for the sake of Allah, Allah might put love between the two of you for each other in your hearts. Additionally, Brother, one of the hazards of asking advice is that we may hear words we do not wish to hear. So, please do not misunderstand the responses given in this thread. I do believe that anyone that takes the time to analyze and consider your circumstances will want to judge you or your circumstances but rather help you arrive at a conclusion in your best interests and those of your wife’s. Therefore, I am sure you will appreciate the honesty with which I have taken liberty to speak in this thread, even if you in the end do not agree with my assessment (which is your prerogative and I completely appreciate that). I might have simplified the matter here, but I can only speak to the information given. And of course, only you can know best what your situation calls for, as we are ultimately only bystanders. That is why I also recommend you do Istikhara if you should feel a pressing need to consider seriously the option of divorce. I apologize if I did not treat or respond appropriately to what I know is a sensitive situation or caused umbrage inadvertently, but please know that my intention has only been to offer sincere advice. I wish you the best. I hope you take some time to really think things through and stay positive. Also, I should like to mention as a side note that as Muslims we should be careful as to what we call ourselves as our names are a reflection of ourselves, and therefore we should strive to choose the best names for ourselves, even if they are only in the cyber world. And Allah knows best.