[Riprincattiva]

Recently I've been on a quest to obtain a dog. Being the conscientious person i am..(tongue in cheek) I looked on line at the local Humane Society's website for a dog to adopt. After several weeks, my family agreed on a cute one (Cute in that Oh My GOD it is so HIDEOUS IT IS CUUUUTE sort of way called Rooney, (Note: The local humane Society is always complaining that they are overbooked with dogs, and that people simply do not invest in older dogs...and "only you can save the life of a dog..etc..etc..you know..make you feel bad, blah blah blah..)anyway we all went down and decided to adopt "Rooney".

The meeting went like this:

Me: "Hi! Are you open yet? We came to see Rooney, we saw him on your site and we hope he's still here!"

Not so Humane Society Dude: (Looks at me like I'm a transient) "Uh..yeah..we're um..not open yet, soooo if you could come back in let's say.....an hour..that's be greeeeeaaat. Oh, and here, take this:"
(He hands me a flyer showing lists of Animal Shelters in the area.)

Me: "What's this?"

Jackass: "Oh..That's a list of Animal Shelters in the area..you know..in case you want to visit them."

Me: "Uh..ok..but I really want to see Rooney."

Jackalope: "Well, we open in a hour..."

So...I go grab some Flapjacks at a greasy spoon with the family, and come back 30 minutes later....The place was wide open with dozens of people there. Hour my a$$!

So then I go inside, and Dipthong is standing there, looking at me...

Jerkwad: "Can I help you?"

Me: (Ignoring the fact that I JUST spoke with the guy 30 minutes previously.)
Yes, "I'd like to see some of your dogs please."

Nutmeg: "Go ahead and go on back."

(NOTE: Now, these animals are kept in tiny smelly dank cages (This is supposed to be the Humane Society) and you'd think that they'd want to find these animals a good home as soon as possible.....
How wrong I was...

Me: "Hi there again..Er..I noticed Rooney's cage is empty..is he out for a walk?"

Knucklehead: "Uh....I think he's out for a "meet and greet"..."

Me: "Oh cool! Where is he? (I turn to go outside)"

Dunderbrain: "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Sir! Um..ok..Do you want to submit an application to adopt a dog?"

Me: "Yes, I'd like to adopt Rooney."

MonkeyNuts: "Uheh..No. It doesn't work like that."

(Looks super annoyed) (sigh) Here's how it works:
1. You fill out an application for adoption.
2. The Staff here will meet once a month to review the application and decide if you meet our minimum requirements for adoption.
3. if we approve the application, we will contact you by mail. Do not contact us regarding the status of the application.
4. We will then arrange a time to come out to your home for inspection, to ensure that you have the proper facilities to care for the dog.
5. The last process, the most important one, is one of our trainers (myself) will assess your behavior and interaction with the animal.
6. Then we will assign a set of regulations and rules which you will agree to abide which will be a legal and binding contract.
7. Finally, the fee for adoption is $250.00 which is non-refundable if we, or the pet decides that the new home is not "working out."

(He didn't actually number the items, but it sure FELT like he did.)

Nimrod: "Until that time, there WILL BE NO INTERACTION WITH THE ANIMAL."

Me: "Huh? you mean I can't even meet him?"

Barfmouth: "I'm sorry, Absolutely not. We feel it is an emotional strain on the animal if he gets too attached to people."

Me: "Are there any other people wanting to adopt Rooney?" (By the way, Rooney was a "Mutt and Mutt mix with a bit of Mutt tossed in for good measure..It's the sort of Dog that I'm sure Animal Control officers have no issue with shooting the Pink stuff into because "He's just to freaking bizzare looking and Oogly to live.
In other words, his a$$ looked better than his face."
--So no, he was not papered or anything..

Oh..and he was missing a foot. yeah..a freaking foot. The Dog is a blinking Tripod and I wanted to adopt him. Silly me. I'm such a Bastard. How dare I even think it.

But I digress..
Me: "Are there any other people wanting to adopt Rooney?"

Stupid McDumb-Ass: "Oh..yes..You would be the third to apply. Though you still may have a chance. (He leans over and whispers) The woman before you doesn't look like she'll make the cut..."

Me: (What I should have said, but didn't have the grapes)
So let me get this straight:
I came down here to take into my heart and home a dog which someone else threw....away.....and has a physical appearance which, if the Elephant man mated with a Manatee would still produce a finer looking beast than the one you've got there,.....and IS A TRIPOD to Boot!

I mean, my God man, all the beast can do is twirl over in circles to you when you call, and even then he falls down about 14 times! AND, for the Caramel on this crap-cake, you want me to PAY YOU $250.00 for the privilege? Not to mention the forms, invasive inspections of my home, a waiting list and a committee to JUDGE ME on whether or not I can care for a creature which by all of the laws of nature says should not even exist?

Aren't there like, a zillion perfectly good cats and dogs being killed each second because no one gives a rats snot if they live or die?
Is that what I'm hearing?
Is this BIZZARO WORLD??
(Screams at the top of my lungs)
W.....T........F.....!!!!!!!!!

They bark among us folks..