[onlineslotetes]

No wait no hang on, I have some great tips for winning taikai.

1 - tell your opponent his wife is crap in bed except when she sticks her middle finger in!!!
2 - eat a lot of garlic and drink lost of fizzy drinks; nothing like a garlic belch to deter an atack (dont do this if your opponent is French cos they is used to pongy breath)
3 - sing loudly and out of tune. Your opponent will think you are a retard and not wish to hurt you
4 - smear your shinai with fecal matter (preferably that from cats or pigs which really whiffs bad). Honest to go, the fecker will be backing off from the word go.
5 - hit the bugger on the thighs and watch him squeal like a girl. Yes yes, I know this isnt normally allowed in kendo but it is in iaido so when he complains just tell him to stop being a baby and do some real swordwork
6 - when he comes in close (tsuba-za-reai?), let go of your shinai and grap the bottom of his Do. Ram it up into his jaw. When he starts to fall backwards put your other hand behind his lower back and push him down going over your hand. When he is down (and probably winded) take his shinai and batter the bajaysus out of him. When the refs intervene just say you are doing old school kendo rather than the wussy stuff you guys do now.

Hope this helps,

let me know how you get on wth these useful tips!