[peakyesno]

Wa Alaikum Assalam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatuh

To say someone is like an angel on the outside and a devil on the inside is an English saying - a metaphor.

I'm surprised you find it difficult to understand its meaning.

It refers to the fact that someone may look good on the outside appareance, but they have a bad soul - their evil is not yet visible as their good manner and youthful beauty cover it up. They are often like an apple that is rotten on the inside but beautiful on the outside - you don't find out what they are like until you actually taste them.



Problem is that you both have to go to a mixed sex educational institution and are at an age where you would historically be married but cannot get married due to the constraints of the modern world.

I understood it was a metaphor, I just didn't like the matter of fact way you applied it to a woman you yourself know nothing about. It could be this beautiful angel is also an angel inside. Rather, it would have been better to say as I sort of quoted another brother in my post that not knowing the person we are hidden from there flaws and this only aids in our infatuation.

I understand what you are saying, and I agree with you, I just disagreed with the matter of fact way you said she was a devil.

~

Unfortunately other than fasting there is no way to overcome this problem. I don't see the mixed educational as too much of a problem in all honesty, it helps no doubt, but even when I am home for months on end where I don't see any women at all who aren't mahram I still find it difficult to to control it. Even fasting seems to have little effect, though it does help slightly.

Sometimes, I wish Allah SWT would just remove this aspect from me. It kills my self-esteem, makes me feel pathetic and weak. The negative image it creates serves to detriment me in other aspects of worship which have nothing to do with these desires but are a result of my perception of my self which is a result of this weakness, thus, indirectly, it has a bad effect elsewhere.

Besides, it isn't like once I am married I will be sexually fulfilled and content. Once I might have thought that but the more I heard about marriages the more I realised it isn't a bed of roses, for which I am thankful. I am currently witnessing a marriage fall apart due to expectations of fairy tales followed by severe disappointment and things spiralling out of control and am glad if I ever get married I won't delude myself into thinking my problems will be solved.

Not to mention I don't believe my intentions for marriage are completely pure or correct, or that I have the right mindset. Over time, as my fairy tale mentality met reality while simultaneously I became more interested in Islam, my approach to marriage has become more negative as time has gone passed. I now see much of it as a chore and an unnecessary struggle, the efforts of which could have been better used elsewhere. I have been gifted with a good mind alhamdulillah (I request du'aas for Allah SWT to further increase the strength of my mind and heart) and I would love to dedicate its usage to learning about the deen and teaching it. I feel marriage and the hard work needed to make it successful would put a severe damper on it. I already struggle to make time for Islam in between going to the masjid for the prayers (which take up a proportionate chunk of time, more than I expected), essentials, maintaining family ties and friendship and the biggest time killer of all university which would be later replaced by a job. Due to such commitments my knowledge and implementation of it and spreading it is excruciatingly slow. Before when I never used to pray etc I managed to shoot through 6 months worth of the shariah program in only two months. Since I started practicing (not complaining about this of course) I have managed to get nowhere further and have had to go and recap before moving forward with the program. I intended to quite university and go abroad and try to become a scholar but due to my family situation I have decided to continue studying and get a job to get rid of out mortgage. Point is, I now see marriage as another thing that will require a lot of effort and time and don't feel it's healthy going into a marriage with such thoughts. Especially having witnessed and lived in the same house as my brother, see the time and effort they spent on dealing with their problems for almost two years only for it to now, currently as we speak, more or less agreed on divorce.

The only three reasons why I don't give up on the idea of marriage are

1). Due to the emphasis the sunnah places
2). To deal with what I discussed in my last post
3). Children

Regarding the second I know better than to expect everything will be ok once I am married. Neither do I want to go in with that expectation only to be disappointed which would have mental backlashes on my psyche. I find it easier to deal with knowing I have no halaal outlet and thus find it easier to live with my desire, rather than having a halaal outlet and not being satisfied. I feel this would lead to resentment and make it much more difficult to deal with.

The stern hadeeths about those who don't marry without good reason is the only thing which keeps me from rejecting the idea as well as the prospect of raising pious children.
However, my mentality and the issues and unfair (on my would be wife that is) detrimental emotions I may harbour towards my spouse make me not look forward to growing older when the time comes for my parents to search.

I realise there is waswasa here and that's a big problem. It seems to me my problem is shaytaan telling my this aspect of mine which I feel is particularly stronger than in normal men will never really be fulfilled to the extent that even during Ramadhan when he is on vacation this belief or fear if you will has stuck with me. Thus, after all that, I return to the crux of the issue which is giving more weight to that my beliefs and fears rather than tawakkul in Allah. A bad opinion or lack of trust in Allah SWT or the fear that He will continue to test me in this matter in marriage as He SWT has outside of it which I feel is just short of kufr and a sure way to invite Allah SWT's displeasure but that is the way I feel.

Which is why, ultimately, I would rather I was purged of this aspect as I would not exaggerate to say many of my deficiencies in religion stem from my psyche which has been shaped by this and allow me to dedicate my life to learning and teaching about Islam as other unmarried (for whatever reason) scholars did before.

~

What a rant that was. I intended to reply to you quickly and here I am, I think 50 minutes later still thinking, contemplating and typing. Maybe it's like the therapists say, just talking about your issues helps you, whether the person listening gives any advice or not, thus birthing many call centers dedicated to just listen to you talk about your problems who are prohibited from offering advice. Or maybe the therapists say that just so they can get more hours out of you and charge for them!

Apologies if I ranted and made no sense or gave offense. None was meant. Quite often, I get in a state when I allow myself to dwell on this. It hasn't affected my self-esteem well and as a result by talking about it and given the late hour it is, I probably rambled on and on and came off sounding like some overly-sexed hormonal teen. Sometimes I think what a starving african teen or a teen in somewhere like syria who was witnessed his family massacred would say when hears about my petty problems.

I thank Allah SWT I am not those teens. If I can't cope with something as silly as this, I would not have lasted in those conditions. May I learn to be grateful for the many blessings Allah SWT has bestowed upon me, and not worry about that which I do not have. Ameen.