[Beerinkol]

Salam everyone

In the past 2 months, I've been dealing with a crisis with my faith and it's beginning to weigh down and hurt me mentally. To begin, I suffer from severe waswasa (aka OCD) and have ADHD (or possibly another learning disability).

So up till about when Ramadan started, I prayed all my salat loud. Every single word. Then I came across the information that this is wrong and requires Sajdah-e-Sawh, so I started to change things around. I fixed all the apparent issues with my salat to make it as near perfect as possible. I even realized that I was making grave errors with my salat when it came to alif and ain, sad and sin, etc.

I have fixed that up now and in the process I have become extremely depressed. I dread salat time and I feel my life has been taken over by this. Constant repeats, striving to get every word correct. I'm becoming better at it, yet each salat now takes 20-30 minutes sometimes (and like 15 minutes for Wudhu), because I have still have a learning issue that confuses me and whatnot.

I'm experiencing pretty bad depression, the one that makes you cry (every morning before Fajr, I start crying) for absolutely no reason at all. In order to finish my salat properly and with any sanity left, I have cut out most off all the sunnah acts and left it to only wajib and fard acts in the past few days, yet it still takes very long to finish my salat and one error, and I have to repeat (so bad that I had to go to two seperate Eid salat, because I thought I screwed up the first one. My entire Eid felt super depressing)

I don't know what to do. I'm getting thoughts in my head about some of my friends who are Huffaz, who take things so lightly. Miss salat here and there and whatnot. I feel even more depressed that the rest of the Islamic world either lives in ignorance, has mastery over salat to the point it doesn't affect their lives, or just doesn't care, yet I fear Allah and try my best, but the little things that invalidate salat really kill it for me.

Right now, I'm sitting here thinking about my salat from today and like 2 other days. I've just realized that in the process of trying to correct the words, especially haa and ha, that I might be too loud during my prayers still. I whisper but it's loud whisper. Enough that I'm sure if anybody was in the room with me, they'd hear it (though no one hears it right now because I do it on the second floor) and it's to emphasize the differences between different letters, like to emphasize ain and my whisper becomes pretty loud. Or the Haa, like "ar RAHH maniRAHHIM"

Now I don't know if my salat is invalid and that I have to redo the past few days because of it being too loud. I feel that will really kill me because I'm just too broken down mentally when it comes to salat. It's extremely exhausting at that point, even physically to my throat and knees as Tashahuud alone takes like 10 minutes sometimes. I don't if I should just ignore this and hope Allah forgives me and accept my salat anyway, or go redo them.

I don't know what to do anymore. I hope someone has good words and links. I'm just thinking, why acts in worship itself are so OCD in nature (allah forgive me). So precise, so much detail, so many ways someone can go wrong. The more knowledge I gain, the crazier and more psychotic I'm becoming. Like I can't relax to gain any khushoo. Even medicine doesn't work, unless I plan to get addicted to a benzo.

Thanks brothers and sisters for sitting through this long wall, I apologize if this offended anyone. I just need help from other Muslims, as, my own Muslim friends are not all that knowledgeable.